


Romantic Mixtapes Side A

by HenriettaDarlington



Category: The Transformers (IDW Generation One), Transformers - All Media Types
Genre: Also getting dp-ed by the Twins but thats not for a lil while sh, Eventually you will kiss every Cassette, F/M, That's the goal
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-26
Updated: 2018-06-02
Packaged: 2018-09-26 23:16:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 40,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9928325
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HenriettaDarlington/pseuds/HenriettaDarlington
Summary: You just try to be polite and survive when a Decepticon crash lands in your apartment. You end up with six (6) boyfriends for your trouble.





	1. Track 1

Wet mirages shimmered over the hot pavement and the public pools were packed to bursting. Fall hadn’t even hinted at showing up; the grass was still lush and green and wet. It wasn’t as humid as it had been earlier in the year, but the windows of your apartment still stayed fogged all day. The city streets echoed with the grind of box air conditioning units.

You were in the middle of a heatwave and world smelled like sweat and diesel fumes. You could taste it in the air, heavy and sour.

Your air conditioner had begun to leak something that smelled vaguely of ammonia last Thursday, but it was still chugging along so you were hesitant to mess around with it. You had tried opening the window to your fire escape to catch some wind. It only served to let out what little cold air had collected in your apartment that day. Now you spent most of your free time flat on the floor under the ceiling fan watching MTV.

That was what you were presently doing. It was a late Saturday afternoon and you didn’t plan on going out tonight. The TV droned on in the background while you dozed. You were laying face first on a magazine and your sweat was probably smearing the ink.

You were on the very edge of sleep when the sirens went off.

It whooped in the background as your television switched to the buzzing emergency brodcast. You popped off the ground, paper stuck to your face. White on blue letters read, “This is an Emergency Action Notification. All broadcast stations and cable systems shall transmit this Emergency Action Notification Message. This station has interrupted its regular programming at the request of the White House to participate in the Emergency Alert System. There is a Decepticon Attack currently underway in Central City. This is not a test.”

“That’s bad,” You mumbled, moments before the windows started to rattle.

Instinct kicked in. Duck-and-Cover drills had changed purpose after the Decepticons showed up, but they still stuck around. Attacks were supposed to be treated like earthquakes. Back when you were in high school, at least one afternoon a month had been dedicated to hiding under desks then fleeing the building. It always seemed to happen on days that you had not dressed for the weather.

You hightailed it to the bathtub, curling up small as you could. The glass light fixtures gave a last shudder before going still. The power cut out, taking your air conditioner with it.

Your sweaty palms stuck to the ceramic tub floor. All you could hear was the rush of blood in your ears.

Then the fighting started.

Understandably, it sounded a bit like a car crash, massive steel-on-steel clangs. Something slammed into the pavement and the building shook. There was bassy yelling that you felt more than heard.

How fast would your building collapse if one of those robots slammed into it? Hopefully fast enough that you wouldn’t see it coming.

As it was, the noise outside seemed to go on forever. Someone would shout, someone else would reply, and then there would be the sound of laser fire. Every so often there would be a full metal twang where someone probably got punched in the face. At one point a particularly loud thud was accompanied by flakes of plaster falling from your ceiling. They landed in your hair.

You hadn’t been aware that your vision had begun to blur until there was a massive crash in your living room. It sounded like someone had tossed a cement block through your window.

You weren’t about to go out there and check it out, though! There was still quite a bit of shouting outside and the building didn’t seem ready fall in on you. You were insured against Decepticon related damages in regards to your house, not your body.

Even as the voices and metal smashing faded you stayed down. You squished your eyes shut and tried to count Mississipi-Style seconds to tell how long it took until there was no more fighting.

The answer was four minutes, sixteen seconds.

You sat up. It stayed quiet.

You banged your knee climbing out of the tub. Still quiet.

You opened the door. Dead quiet.

But there was a problem.

The window that looked out on your fire escape had been smashed in. The floor glittered with little shards of glass and a big piece had torn into the back of the couch. Your cardboard cutout Larry Bird, won in a card game, was broken at the waist. A great loss.

There was an enormous bird in your front hallway.

It was like someone who had only ever seen birds in silhouette tried to make one out of cardboard boxes and paper towel tubes. It’s wings were blunt edged, utterly un-aerodynamic things. It was massive, bigger than any bird you had ever seen. There was a giant decepticon logo on its face. It was bright red. It had a jetpack.

Its landing in your apartment left a dent in the wall.

You were caught between the desire to hightail it away from that thing and start laughing hysterically at it. The bird was blocking the door so your only viable choice was to giggle. It was unbelievably silly looking.

It didn’t react to your poorly muffled guffaws.

Maybe it was dead?

There was one way to be sure. The last thing you wanted was to sit down to take a breather only to have this thing spring to life and bite your nose off. You grabbed the curtain rod that had been ripped off the wall by the Decepticon’s entry. It was slightly bent, but straight enough that you were able to stand on the other side of the room when you poked the bird.

It did not move.

Who did you call to haul off a dead alien robot terrorist? You’d probably try the non-emergency police line and go from there. If nothing else you bet you could make a pretty penny on Craigslist.

It’s eyes lit up.

The rod was out of your hand faster than you could shout, “Please don’t kill me; I’m a civilian!”

The bird hissed, jetpack kicking on in a burst of flames, raising a foot of the ground. It’s eyes flared red. It’s mouth opened and it screeched.

You looked at it through your fingers.

It’s jets cut off and it dropped to the ground with a thud that rattled the glass perched on your TV.

The bird looked offended by the situation. It twisted to face its jetpack and poked around with its beak, tapping a typewriter staccato . Whatever the bird was trying to do wasn’t working. It seemed rather ruffled.

Poor thing.

“Are you okay?” You uncovered your face completely. Could it speak english? “Do you need help?”

It glared at you.

“Alright then.” You held up your hands, “I’m going to sweep up the glass. If you need anything just um, shriek?”

You sidled by the massive bird to get to the kitchen and grab the broom. The dustpan was missing so you grabbed the magazine you had been reading. It worked well enough, but you had to carefully pick up a couple of the bigger pieces. As you leaned down you noticed that a few of them were streaked with pink fluid the consistency of runny nail polish.

“What?” You stuck your tongue out. Whatever it was, you probably shouldn’t taste it. A part of you felt compelled to, though.

You dumped the glass in a plastic bag then turned to the bird, hands on your hips.

It ignore you in favor of continuing to mess with its jetpack.

“Look, I hate to bother you, but I really need confirmation that your not about to die in my living room. I really don’t want to have to explain that to your friends!”

“I’m not about to offline. I was thrown through a window, not into a smelter.” The bird scoffs, not even bothering to look at you.

You jerk back in surprise. “You can talk.”

“Frankly it’s more shocking that an organic can.” He, it sounded pretty masculine once it had started to insult you, was apparently taking a break from fiddling with it’s jetpack. He turned to face you before dismissing you with a flip of his head. “You’re brain weighs what, three pound? I’m impressed you’re even able to walk.”

“I’m getting around better than you are right now, buddy.”

The bird hissed, “I was hit with a missile. Otherwise I would have already clawed your flabby face off.”

“My face isn’t flabby;” You stammered. “I have great skin elasticity!”

The bird’s eyes went dark. Maybe he had died of annoyance. “As fun as mocking lesser lifeforms is, be quiet. I need to make a call.”

You heard Decepticons were terrorists, but you hadn’t realized they were also pricks. Well, it’s not like you didn’t have other things to do.

For instance, you needed to address your broken window. You planned on taking the shards covered in pink stuff to the insurance office as proof, but you didn’t want to leave it open like that all night. Maybe you could tape a garbage bag over it.

God knew you didn’t need more birds getting into your house.

You had trotted off to the kitchen to find some duct tape, a trial of digging in the junk drawer, when the bird squawked

You peaked through the doorway. “Something wrong?”

“I am going to claw their optics out.” The bird was too busy stewing with rage to ignore you. “Those idiots left me behind!”

“That bites,” You replied. There was some of that pink stuff on your carpet, that would probably stain. At least the bird didn’t seem to be leaking to much of it. There was a slight pool in the dent on his jetpack, but other than that he seemed alright.

“This is why the war has gone on for four million years! No one can run a raid without taking losses. Maybe if anyone had half a processor in their helm we wouldn’t be stuck living in a broken down ship at the bottom of an alien ocean.”

“So is anyone coming to get you?” You cocked your head. Maybe you could rent a steam cleaner for cheap, that might do the trick. “Or should I call you a cab?”

“They’re sending Rumble to pick me, given that I can’t fly.” He was disgusted at his situation. “But he’s never hurried anywhere that wasn’t an oil house.”

So you were stuck with the bird. Wonderful.

Well, he seemed content to sulk while you fixed up your apartment. You took the opportunity to grab a trash bag and tape it on the inside of the broken window. It bulged oddly in the wind. You stamped some paper towels on the pinkened carpet. You finally brushed the plaster out of your hair.

God, you hoped that wasn’t asbestos.

“Hate to ask, but can you move at all? Eventually someone is going to come by to see if I died or something. ‘Cause we’re supposed to evacuate after a Decepticon attack.” You had seen some people in the street when you were taping up the window. “And you’re right in front of the door.”

The bird shook its head, “I popped one of my struts out of place when I hit the wall.”

It was a dumb idea, but, “I could push you.”

Bird laughs were so creepy. Your neighbor back home had owned a parrot and it had the exact same weird squawk when it would cackle at three in the morning. “You could try, but you’d be more likely to die from exhaustion.”

“If you’d prefer someone comes by and sees you and calls the cops…” You shrug.

It glared. “Fine. If you’d like to waste your time.”

“Not like there’s much else to do.” Hoping not to get bitten, you stepped behind him. Palms flat against the thrusters of his jetpack, you shoved as hard as you could.

He didn’t budge.

“This is the saddest thing I’ve ever been a part of.”

“I get that a lot,” You gasped. Christ, it was like trying to move a safe.

“That’s not surprising; your entire species is a greasy organic disaster.” He wiggled, but that might have been a result of laughter rather than your impressive strength. “Honestly, you’ll be better off once we finally blow up your miserable little rock.”

You were going to strain a muscle on this jerk. Worse than that, you were probably going to scratch your floor. You were never getting your security deposit back.

On the upside, you thought you were making progress. The bird was rocking with enough laughter to wobble him along. You were slowly getting him out of the hall and into the livingroom. It would be hard to see him behind the couch.

The two of you hit carpet. Now you just needed a quick break slouched on the floor.

“How much do you weigh?” So much.

“In your measurements, approximately 534 pounds.” He shrugged his wings.

“Oh my god.” You were going to tear a muscle. It would be easier to slide the couch by this point.

So that’s what you did.

“What are you up to now?”

“I’m not about to break my back over you.” The couch slid across the carpet easily. Too easily in fact, because it kept sliding right into the wall. “Shit.”

“Good job.” He didn’t mean it.

“Thanks.” Joke’s on him because you actually had done pretty well. You surveyed the situation with your hands on your hips; it was difficult to see the bird from the front hall. It was not by any means perfect, but it would work until his ride got here.

Plus you could just write off any structural damage as Decepticon related.

You lounged against the back of the couch. “Now what?”

“Now we wait and hope that Rumble doesn’t get himself shot out of the sky, too.” The bird slumped on the floor. “He’s done it before.”

The idea of a big bad decepticon getting got made you snort. “Really?”

“Yes! He thought it was a good idea to try and steal the gun of the Autobot’s sharpshooter. Then after he was repaired he did it again because he didn’t want to be ‘shown up’”. Birds didn’t have fingers to quote with, but the intent was clear.

“Wow.”

“And I have to share a tape deck with him.” He shook his head.

You had no idea why having the share a music player was that big of a deal. “So?”

“He and his brother are both intolerable!” The bird exclaimed. “Have you ever had to recharge with two half-sparked idiots arguing over who actually took out the bot they fought at the same time? If I was in root-mode I would be stress molting from the headaches.”

All the words in that explanation made sense individually, but not so much together. Still, “Having bad roommates is awful.”

The bird nodded.

Before you could ask more, the air started up with a series of clunks.

“Hell yeah! The power’s back!” You pumped both your fists.

“How you survive with such poor infrastructure is a mystery.”

“Hospitals and stuff have private generators.” You hopped up from the couch and tried to avoid the bird taking up most of your living room floor. “Mind if I check the news?”

You didn’t wait for a reply, but it was positive based on the fact he didn’t start yelling when you turned on the tv.

“-Ecpticon Attack on Central City and the Autobot response time was nearly an hour!” Ah, the talking heads were up already. “We cannot keep relying on aliens to protect us from other aliens. The government needs to step up-”

You switched the channel.

“-Potential relation to the attack in D.C. over fourth of July weekend?”

And again.

“-The president has yet to issue a statement.”

And again.

“-Took major structural damage, but were evacuated safely. Resident’s are currently being housed at-”

You slapped a palm on the television screen. “This fucking sucks. I just want to know if anyone died or if any water lines broke.”

“It’s very unlikely anyone died. This was a raid, not an assault.” The bird had made himself quite comfortable, wings tucked up to his sides as he nestled on the floor.

“What were you raiding?” You were still watching the news, though you had turned the volume down. “It looks like you hit a bunch of shit hole apartments and not much else.”

“Underdeveloped as it is, this city has a massive powergrid we were trying to tap. It did not go well.” The bird paused, “No, it was going wonderfully until Skywarp tripped and took out six electrical lines. Then things went to absolute slag, fast.”

“That explains the power.” You wondered if it hurt more or less to be electrocuted if you were made of metal.

The two of you spent the next thirty minutes in relative peace, watching the news incorrectly report on the Decepticon attack. The bird frequently interrupted to insult everything from the ‘Homeland Security Expert’s bad combover to to the way that they press still couldn’t tell a group of ‘cons called he referred to as the Coneheads apart.

He was actually decent company until there was a sound of metal slamming on the fire escape.

You scooted back to the couch, eyes wide. A hand that could have palmed your face like a softball pressed against the makeshift window. It ripped open and a robot leaned in.

“‘Ey, Beaky, you in there?” He zeroed in on the bird by your side. “Man, you landed in a dump.”

Fuck you too, then.

“At least I don’t look like I live in one.” Beaky (?) sniffed, “You look like Wildrider tied you to his bumper then drove through the Rust Seas.”

“Aye, it’s not my fault that I didn’t have time to hit the washracks before I had to come carry your aft home.” Rumble complained, climbing through the window. It was actually a very good thing that Beaky had already taken out the glass, because there was no damn way that bulk would have fit through otherwise. “You got a problem with it I can go back to the Nemesis. You can walk instead.”

Seriously, this guy was ridiculous. He was built like a professional wrestler, massive shoulders and pecs. His forearms were easily as big around as your waist. He was purple and wearing sunglasses and had a faux-Brooklyn accent. You had never seen someone so tacky in your entire life.

You had to cover your mouth to keep from giggling at him.

The movement drew his notice. “What’s with the meatbag?”

“It was my hostage,” Beaky explained.

“Doesn’t look real scared for a hostage.” Rumble snorted. He leaned over you, easily blocking your entire field of view. His visor’s red glow cast an unsettling light between the two of you. He grinned with teeth that were strangely flat, no canines to speak of.

Then he bopped you on the head.

You yelped.

He immediately doubled over laughing, arms around his stomach. Given how wicked huge he was; he hit you very gently. There was barely enough force to make your head bob. The intention had clearly been to startle rather than injure.

The thing was, having spent nearing an hour in the company of a Decepticon, the terror was beginning to wear off.

You rubbed your head. “Look, I’ve really got things to do other than be harassed, so if you don’t mind could you take your friend and leave?”

The ‘Con frowned. “Who do you think you’re talking to, human? Didn’t Beaky teach you any manners?”

“I think I’m talking to the guy who needs to be careful before he knocks down the ceiling fan.”

He looked startled when he noticed that in his attempt to loom over you he had come close to bumping into the fan. You doubt bumping it would hurt him, but if he hit it hard enough it would probably fall right off the ceiling onto his head.

He sneered, “Not my fault you’ve got such a tiny hab suite.”

“Not my fault the contractor didn’t build it with giant robots in mind.” Seriously, even away from the fan his head nearly brushed the ceiling and your’s were actually pretty high. He had to be at least eight feet tall.

“Oh, yes, because we are the giants among the Decepticon ranks.” Beaky cawed. “Can we leave now. I would like to get my jetpack repaired sometime before our next fight with the Autobots.”

The height comment clearly rankled Rumble. He glared at the bird. “What’s the hurry? I think we should hang out with your little organic buddy for a while. It’s more fun that you are any cycle.”

Oh, god, you were pretty sure you just stepped into some weird alien pissing contest. “Listen, you two probably should go home.” Rumble frowned and you waved your hands placatingly. “I mean, you did just fight a battle in a major metropolitan city; you should get some rest.”

He stared at you then sighed, “I didn’t want to spend my whole off-cycle out here because Laserbeak can't dodge worth scrap.”

“Exactly,” You said enthusiastically, “And if you really want to hang out you can come back later.”

Why did you say that?

It made him laugh, though, “That an offer, squishy?”

“Anytime.” You gave him a double thumbs up, but inside you were giving yourself a thumbs down.

“If you’re done flirting with the human, Rumble?” Laserbeak, much more in line with the grumpy bird’s personality than Beaky, asked.

“Ew,” Rumble stuck his tongue out, “That’s just nasty.”

You took offense.

Still, Rumble leaned over and scooped up Laserbeak. He ended up with wings awkwardly hanging over his shoulders and one leg kicking him in the thigh.

“Would you be careful, I didn’t get hit by a missile just to be offlined by an idiot!” Laserbeak sputtered.

Rumble only laughed and proceeded to shove Laserbeak head first out onto the fire escape. You watched from the floor as he maneuvered his way out of the broken window, only pausing to wave at you. “See you around, squishy!”

You didn’t manage to respond before he slung Laserbeak over his shoulder and took off.

“Bye.”

What now? Well, first you clicked off your tv. Then you stood up and straightened out your extremely wrinkled shirt. Then you leaned heavily against the arm of the couch because standing up quickly had given you a head rush.

There was a knock at your door.

You stumbled over to the door, took a deep breath, then yanked it open.

“Hey, Raoul.”

Your neighbor. You had met Raoul when his mother had frantically asked you to watch his little brother a week after you moved in. Her work had rescheduled and she had to go in right then. It had gone great until Raoul had unexpectedly arrived home from work, silently come inside, and scared you so badly you tripped backwards over a footstool and cracked your head open. He helped you stop the bleeding while the two of you calmed down his brother. The rest was history.

“Hey, girlie. You didn’t come down for the evac so I figured I should check if you died.” He leaned against the door frame.

“You just wanted first dibs to go through my stuff.” You shook your head. “I missed it because a Decepticon crashed through my window and held me captive.”

He raised an eyebrow.

“I’m not joking.”

You were getting good at repressing the urge to screech as Raoul dragged you out of your apartment by the arm. He shoved you behind him, whirling around face the door while reaching for god knew what in his pocket.

“Wait!”

“You just said you have a Decepticon in your house.” He whispered.

“They already left.”

His shoulders slumped. “Oh.”

“Yeah.” Had he been ready to fight a Decepticon for you? What sort of question was that, it was Raoul. He was always ready to fight.

He let go of you. Boy, he had a strong grip, probably from all the mechanic work. “What now?”

“Well,” You frowned, rubbing your arm. “I need to talk to the landlord about getting the window fixed. After that do you think your mom would mind if I crashed on your couch tonight?”


	2. Track 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ratbat is a sweet boy, but Ravage is not.

The following week was spent sleeping on Raoul's couch, watching sitcoms, and haggling with the landlord until he finally agreed to fix your window. Raoul had insisted that the Decepticons might come back and you weren’t about to argue. You had never been one to turn away free lodgings or company.

In retrospect, that was probably your biggest personal failing.

It was late one night. The subway had been empty, save for the day old newspapers someone had left behind. Steam rose from the sewer grates like great plumes of dragon’s breath. Your mailbox was mysteriously sticky and the only thing inside was a flyer for a nightclub that had recently been closed down in a drug bust. It had been called  _ The Madam’s Organ  _ and had briefly been the spot to get good coke. You unlocked the door, dropped your bag on the wall hook, and froze at the sound of the television.

It was turned down low, but the jingle for dish soap was just barely audible. The t.v. sat low in a sagging entertainment cabinet; you could only sort of see it. The blinds were shut and every other light was out, save for the pair of glowing red eyes peeking at you over the back of the couch.

“Hi,” You gulped.

The eyes blinked.

“Who are you?” You considered just walking out, but given the weapons you knew those robots to be packing you didn’t want to turn your back to it. You once watched a single Decepticon blow up the Washington Monument live.

What crawled over the back of your couch was a tad less threatening that you expected.

What stood out the most was that it was tiny; the main section of it was about the size of a large cat. Definitely the smallest Decepticon you’d seen thus far. Plus, it was hot metallic pink with purple and yellow accents. It had a face like one of those smushed up dogs and big semi-circle wings. It’s nose kind of looked like a heart. It used tips of its wings like they were little bitty hands, holding onto the back of the couch. It’s voice was squeaky, “Hi, I’m Ratbat!”

“Hello, Ratbat.” You couldn’t tell if it was eye-gougingly hideous or cute. Either way that color scheme was intense. “What are you doing in my house?”

“Well…”  The verdict edged towards cute, but when it smiled with sharp fangs you reconsidered. “I was docked when Laserbeak told Soundwave about how nice you were and how we shouldn’t blow up your house and that’s the nicest thing I’d ever heard him say about anybody so I wanted to meet you too! Then Rumble said that you said that we could come back to visit so I did and now here we are!”

“Well, it’s nice to meet you, Ratbat.” You stayed along the wall. Maybe you could make it to the phone and call the police.

“I like your house! All the stuff back on the Nemesis are too big, but your furniture is just the right size for a mini!” He slid down the cushion back into the seat, bouncing slightly. “And it’s soft. Where did you get it?”

“Thank you. I shop at the consignment store.” You were rather proud of the deal you had gotten on the living room set. “How did you get inside?”

“I crawled in through the vents!” He pouted, “It was kind of dusty though.”

“Sorry. If I knew I had company coming over I would have cleaned up.”

That cheered him up, “You can do it next time!”

Right, next time. “Can I get you anything?”

The bat was thinking and did it just wiggle it’s nose? Oh dear god. “Maybe? Obviously you don’t have any energon, but I got distracted before I could see if you had anything else.”

“Well, what sort of things do you like?” You resisted the urge to call him honey.

“Combustible stuff! Unleaded gas is nice, but diesel is gross. Ethanol is okay. Some of those really high grade drinks you humans like are good too.”

“You mean like, liquor?” You might have some box wine in the cabinet, but there was strong chance you and Raoul finished it off over the course of the last week.

Ratbat perked up. “Yeah! That’s the stuff! The stronger the better.”

“I’ve got rubbing alcohol, but I’m pretty sure people aren’t supposed to drink it.” Your school’s DARE officer had said that drinking it could make you go blind.

He gasped, “Can I have some?”

Who could say no when Ratbat was looking at you with those massive glowing eyes. He was like a stuffed animal. So little.

“Of course. Just stay here.” Let it never be said that you are not the hostess with the mostest. 

You walked calmly to the restroom. You closed the door behind you. You slouched backwards against it and covered your face. What were you going to do now?

You hadn’t thought that any of them were going to come back. Sure you had offered, but they had to have better things to do with their time than hang out in your scummy apartment. You had planned to just move on with your life, maybe use the whole incident as a funny story at cocktail parties when you struck it rich someday. You’d tell the story to the guy who owned the Carlton-Ritz hotel line and share a good natured laugh. Why would they want to come bother you? Didn’t they have crimes to commit, landmarks to steal?

You were so in over your head.

You didn’t want to call the police. Ratbat was so tiny and seemed sweet. Other than kind of being assholes none of the Decepticons had done anything bad enough for you to have the feds come dissect them. Plus, you had a bad feeling that if any of them got hurt on your watch it would come around back on you doubly bad.

You were screwed on this one way or the other.

There was a knock on the door. You opened it and looked down to see Ratbat standing on the floor. He came up to a little higher than your knees.

“Are you okay? You were making weird noises.” He had big puppy-dog eyes.

“Just hyperventilating.” You smiled crookedly. You grabbed a plastic container of rubbing alcohol. It was 99 percent. “Here.”

“Yes!” He grabbed it out of your hand. He carefully unscrewed the lid and tipped it back. “Thank you!”

“You’re welcome.” Sweetheart. You almost wanted to pat him between the ears.

“What do you want to do now?”

Hide in Raoul’s closet. “I was going to order some pizza.”

“It’s so neat how humans can just call someone to get their energy! Sometimes Soundwave gets our energon for us, but usually we’ve got to go find our own.” He said, “We used to mine it back home, but it’s harder collect stuff on Earth.”

“That’s a shame.” You bit your lip. “I’m going to go…” You made a vague phone calling motion.

“I’ve never seen a human comm-link before; can you show me how it works?”

“Sure, the phones in the kitchen.” Should you offer to carry him? That would probably be too forward.

“Race you there!” Oh god. There was a big difference between something standing on the ground about as tall as your knees and something with a several meter wingspan zipping around your head. It was like when those big dogs stood on their hind legs and were taller than people. 

Distressing.

You followed Ratbat and prayed that the heat from his thrusters wouldn’t set anything on fire. Your dishtowels were almost certainly flammable.

When you arrived, he was balanced precariously on the back of a chair. You wanted to reach over to move him to more stable ground. Instead, you grabbed the phone off the hook and plopped down across from him.

He watched with earnest eyes while you dialed the number that will still vaguely legible on the sole magnet on your fridge. It is the same place you called every Friday night. They knew you by voice alone now.

“-Pizza Palace. Get your order hot and ready in thirty minutes or it’s free.”

“Yeah, could I get a small pepperoni pizza, extra sauce?” Normally you’d just say your name, you had a regular order by this point in your life, but tonight had already gone screwy. The whole thing felt like an out of body experience. It almost felt like you were watching yourself, but that would be dumb.

“Will that be all?”

“Um-”

Ratbat suddenly gasped, “Oh, can I order something too?”

You squinted at him. “You can eat pizza?”

“No!” He shook his head furiously. “But I want to try using your weird human com-link!”

It probably wasn’t a good idea. You handed the phone over. “Tell them I want an order of breadsticks with garlic dip.”

He nodded and cleared his throat with a burst of static that hurt to hear, “Hello?”

He paused briefly, then repeated your order. As in, he opened his mouth and a recording of your voice came out. It was disconcerting. You imagined the person manning the phone felt the same way. He paused again for them to speak.

“Okay! Thank you, buh-bye!” He set the phone to the side, but didn’t appear to know how to hang it up. He was still talking, “Were they okay? They kept stuttering.”

“I’m pretty sure you scared them.” You checked; nope, he hadn’t hung up.

“I didn’t mean to!” He had such sad eyes. 

You couldn’t help but reach out and pat him on the head. “Of course not.”

When he smiled his face got even more squished up, but it was charming. He bopped his head into your palm. “So what now?”

“Now we wait.” You clasped your hands in front of you.

Ratbat stared.

You stared back.

Ratbat flopped dramatically across your kitchen table. “What do you usually do while you wait?”

“Well, when I have guests over we usually,” Get drunk, “Talk about our days. Casual stuff.”

Ratbat hummed thoughtfully, “Well today I scouted out this fancy Earth government science lab for some secret energy thing they’re working on. I didn’t find much though, it turned out to be some phony junk about cold fusion. I don’t get why you guys are so bad at it; Shockwave could do it in while he's recharging. Huge waste of time."

"Why don't you guys buy some oil or something? I'm pretty sure the government gives a ton to the Autobots." You had attended a city hall meeting once. Some old guy spent an hour complaining about how your taxes shouldn't go to providing energy for aliens. You walked out and he still hadn't stopped.

"We're Decepticons." He sipped his bottle, "I don’t think humans really like us. Don't know why."

"Probably the whole blowing up cities thing. We generally like our stuff not horribly destroyed." You patted him on the head again. It fit perfectly in your palm. “Other than that you're pretty likable.”

"Maybe." He bumped his head into you. "I don't really care about blowing stuff up, but some 'cons are really into it."

"Really now?" You asked. You petted down his back and he stretched dramatically. In the soft overhead light he appeared almost slick with shine. Did he polish himself?

"Yeah! Frenzy loves breaking stuff, if we weren't on Earth he and Rumble would be tearing our ship apart instead of the Autobots. Decepticons'll hurt each other if there's nobody else around." He shook his head mournfully and scooched closer to you.

"Doesn’t sound like they’re very good company.” It was kind of funny, you had expected him to feel cold to the touch, but Ratbat was quite warm. You hadn’t paid much attention to Laserbeak’s temperature, but the whole made of metal thing had seemed like enough to base a guess off of. You suppose it made sense though, he was sort of like a computer that had been left on a while.

“Not great.” He agreed and settled nearly in your arms, “But it’s pretty nice here.”

“Thank you, you’re pretty sweet yourself.”

The door buzzer went off.

“Are you under attack?” Ratbat gasped.

“No,” You shook your head. “That’s the pizza. They made pretty good time. Please be quiet when I answer the door; I don’t think it’d be good if anyone saw you.”

He put the tip off his wing over his mouth in a shushing motion.

You fished fifteen bucks out of your bag before getting the door.

“Did you order a-”

“Sure did." You cut him off, shoving the cash into the teenage pizza boy’s hand. “Keep the change.”

Given how small your apartment was, you didn’t want to risk him getting even a glimpse of you neon pink friend. You grabbed the box, flashed him a smile, then shut the door in his face. “Mission accomplished.”

“Yay!” Ratbat cheered for you. Then he squinted, eyes shining brighter. “Wow, that smells really neat! Can I try it?”

“Sure.” He was too cute, how could you ever say no.

Thirty minutes later you learned how. Apparently robots could not digest pizza. Cleaning robot puke out of your sink was not a process worth repeating.

 

It became a semi-regular occurrence, coming home to Ratbat laying on your couch or rifling through your things. You picked up a red gas can at Lowes for him and he was delighted. He said that the others were generally busy with Decepticon stuff, but he liked to sneak out. The two of you watched  _ The Sopranos _ together and Ratbat told you stories about doing that sort of stuff on Cybertron.

You didn’t really believe them, but boy was he adorable.

It was altogether a pleasant distraction from the trials and tribulations of the outside world. It was not to last.

When you woke up to some soft sound from the other room, you assumed it was Ratbat. You shrugged on a robe and opened the bedroom door, ready to hush the little mech and tell him that he was welcome to come cuddle but you were trying to get some sleep. It took a moment to register to you that the eyes staring at you from atop your coffee table were far too large to be Ratbat’s.

It was the biggest cat you’d ever seen this side of a tiger enclosure. It was black and gray with pointy ears and what appeared of be rockets on its back hips. It’s mouth was opened slightly to show off canines as long as your index fingers. It made intense eye contact with you. It was standing on your magazines

You considered shutting your door and going back to bed. Unfortunately, you were pretty sure that whatever the hell this cat was it was smart enough to work a doorknob. Or heavy enough to just bust through. You coughed, but your voice was still tight, “Hello.”

“Hello.” Wow, that cat had a baritone.

“Can I help you?” You tried to play it cool.

“Purr-haps.” You’re not sure if you imagined that pun. You hoped not.

“If there’s anything I can do for you…” You were sort of helpless, but what else was new?

“Recently you came in contact with some of my team.”

“Do you mean Laserbeak? Because he wrecked up my apartment a month ago.” Was that too rude? You didn’t want to be, but you also didn’t want to snitch on anybody.

“And somehow things went from that accident exposure to Ratbat hanging around your house at all hours.” You weren’t great at reading nonhuman face in the dark, but you could swear he raised an eyebrow.

“Yeah, well I’m a pretty swell host.”

“I see.”

Were your legs shaking? “Can I get you anything? Gasoline? Tea?”

“No, most of us cannot tolerate that crude oil Ratbat is fond of.”

Okay then. It was time to get straight to the point. “Look, sir, it’s like three a.m. and I’m totally zonked. I don’t think I’m in the right frame of mind to be threatened right now so please just tell me what I can do so that you don’t murder me.”

You really don’t want to die, but you were also completely out of it. You had been taking double shifts a work for nearly a week straight. Another robot bird could take a header through your window and you would be none the wiser. This is not the best situation you have ever found yourself in.

“I am not here to kill you. If I was you would already be dead.” How comforting.

It’s not like you could really defend yourself if he wanted to. One swipe of those killer claws he kept flexing would tear through you like wet crate paper. “Thank goodness.”

The cat nodded. “I do need to know how you plan to respond to us.”

You squinted. It was hard to make out any definite features on him, but he could probably fit your entire head in his mouth like a lion with it’s tamer. “I was going to, you know, keep on going.”

“Are you going to call the police?”

“No. If I was I would’ve done it weeks ago. Maybe around when Laserbeak broke my window or immediately after.”

He leaned closer, balanced on the edge of the table, nose to nose with you in the small room. It twitched slightly as he sniffed you. The reflection of his red eyes glinted off those massive teeth of his. It was light a spotlight and hurt to look into. “That’s good, because if you don’t I will have to come back for you.”

“Well. I won’t, so we’re good.” You give a strained smile.

“Good.” He did seem pleased with the way he stretched, tail sliding out all the way to a weird pronged end.

He also did not appear to be leaving. 

“I’m just going to go back to bed.” You jerked a thumb behind you

“Recharge well.” He was motionless, aside from his swishing tail.

You locked the bedroom door behind you.


	3. Track 3

Apparently, Ravage’s little visit was the end of a vetting process. Your probationary period was up and the entire gang set about practically moving into your house. 

Ratbat was, of course, your most frequent visitor. It got to the point that it was shocking to get home and not have him chirp a greeting at you. Most of the time he was a sweet little winged lapwarmer. You two were fast friends.

You couldn’t be positive how often Ravage came by, but you occasionally woke up in the middle of the night to him doing who knew what in your living room. You’d chat with him for a while then go back to bed. One time you found him taking a nap under your kitchen table and when you patted him on the head he bapped you with a massive clawed paw. You left him be after that.

The birds were just jerks all the way around. They heckled your neighbors. They stole all your towels to make nests with. Buzzsaw constantly insulted your home decor.

“Do all humans live in hovels or is it just you? It looks like you’re living in a sickbay. All you’re missing is a medic cackling in the background, but that would require something to actually be interesting.” The Decepticon was surveying your home with a look of disgust that was actually quite intense for a bird-face. He had come in unannounced, perched on the back of your coach, and started talking shit.

“Sorry. I spent my decorating funds replacing all the stuff Laserbeak wrecked.” You pressed your palms to your eyes to the point colors exploded behind your lids. Why were things always like this?

“Weak excuse!” The mech huffed, “That was vorns ago.”

“Would you prefer I just sent you guys a bill? Because the window lock you  _ just broke _ to get in today could probably pay for some nice throw cushions.” You gestured vaguely towards the window. You meant it to; you had seen a lovely set in a Bed, Bath, and Beyond catalogue that had been mistakenly delivered to you.

He glared at you and you smiled helplessly.

 

After that he quite complaining as much started bringing shiny objects with him and insisting you display them around the house, so even if he still was terrible at least he earned his keep. Other than that the only bad thing they did was watch your every move with creepy, unblinking red eyes. Still, they weren’t the real threats in your life. They were basically just crotchety  old men in bird form.

It was the twins who made menaces of themselves. They were loud and obnoxious and clearly got a thrill out of startling you. They’d run roughshod over you when they got the chance. There was little defense against the pair when they chose to work together. If you tried to put a stop to their antics one of them would just tuck you under his arm and keep doing whatever they had been up to. 

The first time you met them properly hadn’t gone well.

 

Now, it hadn’t been a swell day to start. Classes had run long and work had been staffed short. By the time you had slouched your way up the stairs, because of course the elevator was broken, you were dead on your feet. The stairrail was covered in a anomalous powder that dyed your palms green. All you wanted was to eat some leftover stirfry and maybe take a shower after a long day. At worst you expected to find Laserbeak monopolizing the couch.

You heard the arguing from the hallway.

“No! Be quiet someone's going to hear you! Can’t you two ever leave well enough alone? Get out get out get out!” Ratbat’s screeching could wake the dead.

There was an obnoxious laugh and metal on metal clang followed swiftly by a noise like someone had tried to slam dunk a bowling ball. Ratbat wailed.

That was enough to get you moving again. You swung the door open, marched in, and glared at the first thing you saw.

That would be Rumble, looking just as huge and smug as you remembered. Across from the mech was another, palette swapped version of himself. This one was red and black and apparently quite mean, given the fact that he had one foot pressed on Ratbat’s wing.

“Oh, there’s more of you.” Just what you needed in your life.

They had been too busy taunting something weaker than them to notice you come in, because they both nearly jumped out of their skin when you spoke.

This was funny in the moment, then less so as the red one brought a pair of giant drills out of his fucking arms. They whined to life like nails on the chalkboard. “Looks like we got company, bro.”

“Why does this keep happening?” You asked, tripping backwards into the hallway. You fell on your ass.

Fortunately, he didn’t have the chance to shove those suckers in your face, because Ratbat took the opportunity to sink his teeth into the mech’s calf.

“Ow!” He yelped, collapsing over himself to try and drag Ratbat off of him, “Let go of me you fragging electro-leech!”

Rumble thought it was damn funny, snickering and jeering, “You’re doing great, Frenz. Keep it up!”

“A little help here!” ‘Frenz’ was smacking Ratbat, who had a vice grip on his metal leg.

“Yeah, yeah.” Rumble reached down and grabbed hold of Ratbat, tugging him in a way that made metal screech.

You needed to intervene before Raoul came barreling in to join the fray.

You stood up, brushing hallway dust off your pants, then shut the door behind you. You walked right up to those weirdos and caught Ratbat under his wings. “Come here before you get hurt.”

He unlatched and let you scoop him into your arms. He was still glowering.

The red mech had stopped shouting, but kept grumbling as his twin helped him up. He sulked, ready to have another go when he wasn’t caught off guard.

“How about we all calm down for a second and not kill each other?” You asked, shifting Ratbat until he was perched on your hip.

The red mech seemed ready to snap something, but Rumble nudged his arm. He huffed, “Psh, that was nothing. Just a little sibling rivalry; don’t worry about it.”

“I’m sure.” You regarded him with distrust. “And who are you, exactly?”

“Frenzy. So you’re the human everybody’s talking about?”

“Yes I am. It’s nice to meet you.” You held out a hand to shake, but he just regarded you strangely. You retracted it. “What are you doing in my house?”

Rumble slung an arm around his brother’s shoulder. “Everybody else started hanging out here an’ we figured we should join the party.”

“Sorry to disappoint; there’s not one planned for tonight.”

“Don’t worry about it. We can make our own fun.” He probably winked at you, but it was hard to tell through the visor.

“Well, you do you, I guess.” You stepped away from the mechs who had been encroaching on you this entire conversation. “I’m going to cook some dinner. You want to help, Batty?”

Ratbat shot the twins one last withering look, then chirped up at you, “Sure!”

It probably wasn’t your hottest move to turn your back towards those two, but it was important to appear confident so you turned heel and went straight to the kitchen. You let Ratbat off on the counter then leaned heavily next to him. “So.”

“I’m sorry Frenzy was mean to you. They’re just awful.” Ratbat’s voice was hushed.

“It’s okay, sweetie; it’s not your fault.” The cool of the counter was nice when you pressed your forehead against it. You were kind of muffled when you said, “I’m sure we’ll learn to get along.”

Or die trying. Not them, of course, but maybe you.

He patted the top of your head gently. “There, there.”

“Thanks.” You straightened up and brought your resolve up with you. “So, what do you think I should make?”

“I dunno?” He followed you from his place on the countertop as you paced the small kitchen, checking the cabinets for supplies. “Can I have some, though?”

“That’s not a good idea.” Pasta maybe? Could dry noodles expire?

“I promise I’ll spit it out in the trash this time.” Last time you agreed you had ended up with regurgitated ice cream in your lap. It hadn’t even finished melting. “Pleee-”

He went on like that for a good minute and a half before you pulled your head out of the pantry with a can of tomato soup in one hand and loaf of bread in the other. “You can have some of the soup, but not the grilled cheese, but only if you help cook. Deal?”

Apparently robots were designed to take in liquids, but it was a bad idea to gum up delicate machinery.

The little mech gasped a ‘Yes!’ and launched himself across the room to help out. There was not a lot of airspace and you narrowly avoided a wing to the face. You were getting better at dodging; other times you had not been so lucky.

You started up the burner on the stove and tried to remain close enough to the wall to hear if those two were going to start a ruckus. How would you explain to the cops about the trio of Decepticons hanging out in your house? Not that you lived in an area with good police response time, but still better safe than sorry.

“So how was your day?” Ratbat had that sort of high nasalness that they generally did and if he wasn’t a robot you’d attribute it to his smushed face. The real reason was a mystery.

“About as good as it ever is. The professor showed up absolutely smashed and the other TA cried.” You pulled Batty over so he could stir. “A customers walked out with an entire ceiling fan and we don’t even sell those so that was something. How were things with you, hon?”

“Today the Stunticons had a race in the main hall and Dragstrip ran into Skywarp and he freaked out and teleported both of them into a wall so they’ve been stuck in it since this morning.” Once Batty got started there was no stopping. “Trypticon didn’t like being bisected so he turned the emergency sprinklers on in the entire ship and refused to turn them off and now the lower levels are flooding. That’s where the Combaticons rooms are so Swindle paid Astrotrain to let them stay in orbit inside him so now if we want to get anywhere we all have to walk or take the Spacebridge and because we’re low on energon we only allowed to use that for missions.”

“Sounds like it’s been a long day for everybody,” You hummed. At least you were in good company. You had started grilling your sandwich during his little spiel.

“It has. And it only got worse because the twins decided they wanted to come with me to see you,” He sighed dramatically, “It’s just awful.”

“Yeah, they aren’t very nice to you, are they?”

Ratbat shook his head frantically. “They’re the worst mechs I know. All they ever do is break things and make mediocre puns! Not even good ones! During missions they go off and loot human stuff and then track blood back to our rooms. They only get away with it because they’re Megatron’s favorites. It’s dumb. They’re dumb.”

You hummed sympathetically. “Are you sure you should be smack talking them when they are at most ten feet away?”

“Hah,” He said it outloud, not actually laughed. “They probably already got distracted and forgot us.”

Robots without object permanence. Lovely. 

“Well.” You put poured yourself some soup. “How about we go back and give them a little grief before they break my tv.”

You could vaguely hear them bickering through the wall, so it was definitely time to intervene.

It took a little balancing work hold all your food and draping a sulky metal back around your shoulders, but you managed. You steadied yourself and walked into your living room.

Your couch could easily hold both mechs, but they seemed intent on sitting in a way that takes up the most space possible. Rumble has sprawled out on one end and Frenzy kept fidgeting, gesturing wildly as he talked. He held your remote control in one hand, but he had it backwards.

“How do you get the show to change? This sucks.” They’re watching HGTV  _ Tiny Houses _ .

“Click the button, man. I dunno though, some of those are pretty cool looking.” Rumble seemed impressed by a house with an all mirror ceiling.

“I am clicking it! It’s not working!” Frenzy growled and shook the remote.

You leaned against the doorframe. “You’re holding it backwards, sweetie.”

“Sweetie?” Ratbat sounded offended.

“I am not h-” Frenzy turned the remote around and hit the button like he was trying to prove you wrong. It worked.

Rumble laughed and kicked his brother. “Seriously? Remotes aren’t even a human thing, you moron. You’ve used one before!”

Frenzy’s even and measured response was to chuck the remote at Rumble’s head. This served to set them both off and they immediately started smacking each other, kicking and shoving until they fell of the couch with a floor shaking crash.

You took the opportunity to grab a seat with Ratbat, tucking your legs under you to avoid the snarling bundle of mechs. “So how long until they remember we’re here?”

Ratbat shrugged. “Those two could go crashing through the floor and not notice.”

He was not wrong. Frenzy had managed to get his twin in a choke hold and even though robots didn’t breath it clearly pissed Rumble off. He kept thrashing.

“That wouldn’t be good.” 

They had yet to destroy the coffee table, so you reached above them to set your stuff down. Then you grabbed the sole throw pillow, tragically crushed under Rumble’s bulk, and chucked it at them. They had moved maybe three feet away in their fighting and it hit Frenzy’s head with an impressive ‘BOMF’. He whipped around to glare at you.

“Oh, so the squishy wants to play too, huh? Guess I can take a break from kicking Rumble’s ass to show you just how much humans splatter when someone hit ‘em hard enough.” God, he was such a prick.

“Can you calm down for like five seconds? Please?” You held up your hands as if to emphasize how minimal your request was. “I don’t want to stop your little punch out. Just take it outside; you were about to roll into the weird wicker chair that Buzzsaw brought over and he’d probably kick all our asses if you broke it.”

Rumble snorted from his place still pinned by his brother. “Buzzer can’t do slag. He doesn’t have legs to kick anyone with.”

“It was a figure of speech,” You sighed.

“Anyway, I think we all got off on the wrong ped tonight.” They were apparently done tussling, because they helped each other up. Rumble shoved you over to the end of the couch to sit down, much to Ratbat’s consternation, and dragged his brother onto it next to him. “Bro, you need to play nice with our human. You know they break easy.”

“Why do we need a human? Breaking’s the only thing they’re good for.” Frenzy was still unimpressed by you.

“Nah, they got other things going for them. For starters, if we keep her around we can use all the electricity we want without Starscream bitchin’ us out about wasting energy.”

Frenzy thought on that. “True.”

“Plus they’re hilariously weak. We can do whatever we want and nobody can stop it. It’s pretty sweet.”

“You just want to come and harass people minding their own business.” Ratbat hissed at him. The little con had crawled into your lap and looked ready to spring into action.

“Ah, we’re just having fun.” Rumble laughed and dragged you over close to him with his free arm.

Ratbat dug his claws into your lap. You tiredly wondered if you’d ever get to eat your dinner in peace.

“You know,” He waxed to his grumpy brother and unimpressed hostage, “I think this is the start of a beautiful friendship.”

“The human and I are already friends!”

“Shut up, Ratbat.”


	4. Track 4

There are good apartments and there are bad apartments. Bad ones could be identified with their newspaper packed walls and tendency towards infestations. The neighbors cooked up explosives in the kitchen. On occasion the roof would leak all the way down to the bottom floor. The usual stuff. You had lived in bad apartments in your time. Once you lived in a place that turned out to be a front for a cult. Thankfully you got out before the FBI raid.

You had never lived in a good apartment.

Your current place was the best by a long shot. The only issue with your abode now was that it was  on the small side. Which was totally alright! It was nice and cozy for a singleton like you. It could even accommodate a friend or two when you wanted to have company.

It just wasn’t really made with giant robots in mind.

Ratbat actually fit just fine at your place. He was, at most, the size of two year old. Having him around was like owning a talking cat who liked daytime court dramas.

Ravage was alright. He took up the entirety of whatever furniture he lounged on, but was actually pretty lazy. Once he settled down there was no worry about him getting up to no good.

Really it was the twins and the birds that liked to get in the way. They just always took up so much space. Either nesting with all your good blankets or putting up their feet on your furniture, they were awful guests no matter how you sliced it.

This didn’t even account for their constant infighting. Maybe a spaceship could survive their drama, but the apartment was not so fortified. Ever since the gang started hanging around it was like your house was one step away from a brawl. You couldn’t even begin to count the amount of times one of them would tug Ravage's tail to spook him or harass poor Ratbat to pink, watery tears.

Why he cried pink no one really explained, but that was neither here nor there.

You could not go on living like this. 

* * *

 

“How did you even get that inside?” You asked from your spot in the front hallway. It was impossible for you to move any further.

Ratbat clutched your leg. “They took window off its rails! I tried to stop them!”

Taking up most of your living room was a half assembled pool table. It was missing two legs and being propped up with an elaborate arrangement of pieces stolen from your kitchen and what looked to be the end table from your bedroom. The actual billiards were scattered across the floor. One was embedded deep in a dent in your lamp. A cue was snapped in two from where Frenzy had tried leaning on it dramatically as you arrived.

“I appreciate your effort.” You sighed and scooped Ratbat up from underfoot. “Where did you guys even get this?”

“We grabbed it from one of those human oilhouses.” Frenzy explained as he tugged at the green felt that covered the tabletop. It ripped off in a long strip.

“An oil barge?” Rig workers needed entertainment too.

“No, it’s like from that show- _Cheers_ ,” Rumble looked up from trying to collect an eight ball from under the couch. He was holding one end completely in the air, but Ravage was giving him a dirty look over the armrest. “A bar!”

They were good at covering their tracks in and out, but, “Please don’t bring stolen goods into my home.”

“They weren't usin’ it.” Frenzy laughed, “Least not by the time we were done with ‘em.”

He didn’t bother to look at you and see the strained look on your face. You redirected it at Ravage.

“I warned you she wouldn’t be pleased.” The cat swiped at Rumble’s head.

The mech dropped the couch so fast you bounced off the floor. You were definitely getting a noise complaint from your downstairs neighbor tomorrow. “You’re just jealous can’t play because you don’t have servos.”

“I have no interest in playing in the first place.” Ravage sniffed. “If I did I could figure out how.”

Rumble waved him off as he tried to fit around the table to reach you. He snatched your arm before you could dodge him. His grip was like a manacle. “Don’t worry, I’ll teach ya how to play.”

“No you won’t; I’m getting rid of it.” You tried to keep Ratbat from snapping at his hand.

This made both the twins glare. “How come?”

“The room has started to sag.” You tried to tug away, but to no avail. “That thing probably violates code for the building. I don’t want my floor to cave in.”

“That’s your scrappy habsuites fault.”

“Maybe so,” You agreed.

Ravage felt this was the correct time to intervene. He set one massive paw over Rumble’s hand. “The human has a point. You are not about to blow our cover over a game.”

Rumble was massive and scary in comparison to a human, but he had nothing on Ravage’s steely gaze. He lasted five seconds before snorting and letting go of you. “Fine.” 

* * *

 

And so a battle was won, but the war was far from done.

Your stuff would not survive if these robots continued to act like they owned the place. Plus, you would probably drop dead from stress. You had to take action.

* * *

 

“So what do you need this for again?” Raoul leaned heavily in his door frame as he scooped brownies off the plate you brought by.

“My place has some serious negative energies I need to deal with.” You offered him the entire platter.

He accepted the food better than your explanation. “You do know I fished it out of the dollar bin, right? If this thing could contact ghosts so could fast food menu.”

“Yeah, I figured as much. This is more to make a point, you know?”

“Fair enough, girlie. It’s your funeral.” He reached out of view to grab something from the side table in the entryway. You knew from experience it was decorated some incredibly intricate doilies that his mother made. He tossed you the box. “Hope it’s up to snuff.”

‘Ouija Board™’. Copyright Hasbro. The device inside the box made a plastic on cardboard squeaking sound as it slid around.

You leaned forward to give him a brief hug. He ruffled your hair and definitely left chocolate crumbs behind. “Thanks again! It’s just what I needed.”

It was time to give the terror twins a taste of their own medicine. 

* * *

It was later that evening when you broke out your new toy. The boys had commandeered your couch and were arguing with Laserbeak, who was sitting in a nest on your nice wicker chair, about what they should watch. Ratbat was wrapped around your shoulders like a metal shawl. You walked across the room, stood directly in from of the TV, and shut the blinds to cut out the streetlights.

“In case you weren’t aware: humans ain’t see through.” Frenzy chucked a pillow at your back, but ended up hitting Ratbat.

“I know,” You replied, setting the candle you found under your sink on top of the television. Mood lighting.

“We’re going to perform a human ritual.” Ratbat snootily told his fellow Decepticons.

Rumble frowned. “Like that one where ya’ light your energon on fire and chant?”

“What? No. Are you talking about a birthday party?” You should get Rumble children's dictionary so he can learn what he's talking about. “Never mind. Ratbat and I have decided to hold a seance.”

“The frag is a seance?” Frenzy asked as you tried to push his feet off the coffee table. It was like dragging an anchor.

“A seance is when living humans talk to dead humans.” Ratbat glared over your shoulder.

“Yeah, some strange stuff has been going down around here, so I figured I should get to the bottom of it.” You shrugged, almost dislodging your companion. You smooched him on ear in apology.

The twins swapped a look then burst into hyena laughter.

“Oh, you can’t be serious!” Rumble looked at you like you had just said you were going to go stage a hostile takeover of the Autobots. “Ghost aren’t real, fleshy!”

Frenzy was laughing so hard he shook the couch. “Yeah, those are just stories to scare sparklings. Guess that explains why’d they work on you!”

Laserbeak wasn’t laughing, but he did look unimpressed. “Are you honestly trying to contact the Well of Sparks with a few candles?”

“No, Laserbeak.” You stuck your tongue out. “I’m trying to pierce the veil with this!”

It was the piece de resistance, the ‘Ouija Board™’. You had been keeping it tucked under one arm but now you tossed it dramatically onto the table. It landed with a ‘plap’ noise. Your house guests stared.

The five of you stayed in place for a good thirty seconds before Rumble broke the silence, “Um, are we supposed to know what that is?”

You grinned at him. “This is a Ouija board; it’s basically a keyboard of the dead. They can use it to commune with the living.”

No one appeared to believe you, but it got Frenzy thinking, “Bro, didn’t we watch a movie about that? What was it?”

“Ah, slag, I know what you’re thinkin’ about.” Rumble rubbed his chin, “ _Glitchboard_? No that wasn’t it.”

“You’re thinking of _Witchboard,_  which we were all forced to endure when you two insisted on having that ridiculous human horror movie night.” Laserbeak chuffed.

“Oh yeah!” Rumble snapped his fingers. “You trying to get your house haunted, squishy?”

“Kind of the opposite.” You took the time to set up the board after the dramatic reveal. “Some weird stuff has been going down.”

Both the boys snickered. You pointedly ignored them.

“Things have gotten too ridiculous to be normal. I figured that this place probably has got to some bad energy and I’m going to investigate.” You held up the planchette. “Want to help?”

The cassettes’ reactions were mixed, to put it gently. Laserbeak was suffering some robot conniption over how stupid you were. Frenzy, as always, looked stuck between how little he liked you and his desire to cause trouble. Ratbat was smiling against your neck. Rumble-

He was _hyped_.

“Let’s do this!” He grinned wide and hopped up from the couch.

“You cannot be serious.” Laserbeak dealt with so much bullshit. You honestly felt bad for him sometimes. No wonder he was always so grouchy. “You want to help an idiotic human summon the spirits of the deactivated with a board game.”

Frenzy was equally confused. “Yeah, bro, everyone knows fleshy ghosts ain’t real. They don’t even got a spark; when meat dies it’s dead.”

Rumble was not to be dissuaded. He had already snatched the planchette out of your hand. That was fine. He was supposed to buy into it. “Whatever, man, I know you’re just sayin’ that because you’re scared of ghosts.”

That wasn’t a smart thing to tell the maniac mech. Frenzy stood up and whipped his brother around by the shoulder. “You want to say that again to my face?”

“You know it’s true! Not my fault you’re a cyber-chicken.” Rumble laughed in his face.

Well, Frenzy was ready to throw down now. His hands seemed to shift in slow motion and if you weren’t terrified of the damage he could do once they were drills you would think the transformation sort of pretty. It was a bad call to get in their way, but this fight was not what you were aiming for.

You weren’t about to wedge yourself between them, but you did grab Rumble’s bicep before he could bring out his own weapons. “How about slowing down for a second? Please?”

Rumble shoved his free hand in your face. “Gimme a second, squish. If Frenzy wants to _tumble with Rumble_ I’m game.”

Ratbat took a swipe at Rumble with the pointed tip of his wing. “Don’t touch us! I know where your servos have been!”

“Guys-”

“You’ll be scared by the time I’m done with you!”

A full scale fight was only stopped by the god-awful screech Laserbeak made. It was like a red tailed hawk trapped in an airplane turbine. The twins clutched each other and Ratbat buried his face in your hair. You’re pretty sure you suffered a temporary blackout.

Laserbeak leveled the twins with a glare. “I’m not about to be caught in one of your spike-measuring contests. Either help the human play their game or be quiet.”

That was helpful of him. “Thank you, Laserbeak. Anyway, do you guys want to do this with me or not?”

You were close enough to hear the clicking of mechanisms sliding into place as Frenzy put his drills away. “Can’t be any worse than having to watch Beaky’s dumb soap operas.”

You clapped. “Great! Get comfortable then, because it’s time to enter the great beyond.”

Ratbat made a spooky noise for ambiance. What a darling.

You sat on one wide side of the table, back to the television. Surprisingly, Rumble joined you instead of sticking by his brother who was across the way. Sitting down you didn’t quite come up to his shoulder. Laserbeak hopped down off his chair to settle beside Frenzy. Ratbat clambered over your shoulders onto your lap.

It was time to put those high school drama classes to work.

“I’m not sure how much experience you all have with the mystical, but it goes like this.” You place the planchette over the ‘G’. Ever the helper, Batty put a wingtip on it with you. “We each place a finger on the planchette. When I ask a question, whatever spirit is talking to us will move it. Normally I’d write down whatever letters it picks, but don’t you guys have computer brains?”

“You mean processors?”

You nod. “I figure you guys should be able to keep track of it.”

“I’ll do it!” Ratbat chirped.

“Suck up.”

Name calling aside, the boys did what they were instructed. Rumble and Frenzy each placed a thick metal finger on the little wooden triangle. Laserbeak used his-

Face.

“Unlike Ratbat, my wings aren’t meant for grasping.” When he caught you staring.

Whatever worked for him, you supposed. You cleared your throat. “We have gathered today to welcome whatever specters might be watching over us. We seek your guidance and answers from beyond this life. Please, give us your wisdom.”

Laserbeak mumbled something about how you ‘could not be serious’. He wasn’t the one you were trying to impress.

“Now what do we do?” Rumble was leaning over the table to look through the hole in the planchette.

“Now I ask the ghost questions and it, hopefully, will answer.”

“What are you going to ask it?” You couldn’t tell whether he was being sincere or just screwing with you.

You shrugged. “It’s name, for starters.”

Ratbat glared at him. “It’s called being polite.”

You patted Batty with your free hand. “Oh, great spirit, please tell us mortals your name.”

A moment and then:

“You’re moving it!” Frenzy accused.

“Am not.” It was Ratbat, actually.

“If you start arguing again I am going to tell Soundwave that you were the one who broke the datapad with the footage from the Fall of Iacon on it.” Laserbeak stated.

Boy did that strike the fear of god into him. His visor flashed and he snapped his gaze down to the bird. “You wouldn’t!”

“Try me.” Laserbeak’s beak moved when he talked and you could feel the edge of it graze your fingertip. Sharp as broken glass.

“Guy’s shut up!” Rumble exclaimed, “It’s trying to spell somethin’!”

“ _Unimportant_.” Laserbeak deadpanned. “Just like this ridiculous charade.”

“Clearly it wants us to get to business.” You sniff. If he wasn’t a walking weapon you’d bop him right on the face for that. Unfortunately, before you could actually ask anything Frenzy interrupted you.

“No, but which one of you is this? I know the human isn’t strong enough to push something if I’m holding it down.”

“You’re not supposed to be keeping it still; the spirits are moving it.”

“The spirits .”

“That’s what I said.” Whatever he was up to you didn’t like it.

“Okay, then I want to ask ‘em a question. Let’s see how much it knows.”

Rumble made a head motion that implied he’d be rolling his eyes if he had any. You smiled serenely. “Go ahead.”

“Hey all knowin’ spirit, tell me which one of the guys swiped the high grade I was saving?” He gave Rumble a knowing look.

Rumble huffed, “I told you it wasn’t me! You probably drank it when you were already overcharged and don’t remember.”

“I did no-” But the planchette was moving again.

“ _None of them. It was Skywarp._ ”

Both the twins blinked, a flash of dark on their visors. Frenzy stared down with a ridiculously puzzled look on his face. Rumble hummed.

“Told you I didn’t do it.”

“Now can we please get to the real questions?” Your free hand petted Ratbat’s stomach in a job well done gesture.

Frenzy was still squinting at the board. “I guess.”

“Wise ouija board, who broke the latch of the window?”

“ _Rumble._ "

The mech in question looked away. “It’s not my fault that your window's too small to get through without pushing it all the way up.”

“Bro, don’t admit to it! This is just some made up human thing she’s trying to catch us with.” Frenzy snapped.

Laserbeak wasn’t having it. “It wouldn’t be a problem if you actually admitted to the disasters you cause.”

“We claim pranks. That was on accident.”

“Rumble!” Frenzy complained.

“Let’s move on to another question.” You shushed. “Oh powerful ghosts, who flipped all the books on my shelf backwards?”

“ _Fre_ -”

Before it could finish Frenzy cut in, “I did it.”

“Why? That was such a dick move.”

He shrugged. “The TV was fritzing out and I was bored.”

“Okay. Anyway. Moving on. Spirit of orthography, please tell me who ordered 12 pay-per-view movies on my credit card?”

Rumble shot Frenzy a nervous look, but his brother just sulked.

“ _Rumble bought seven, Frenzy three_ ,” It continued with, “ _Buzzsaw two_.”

That would explain _Roman Holiday_ and _Paris When It Sizzles_. The twins didn’t strike you as Audrey Hepburn fans.

“See, we’re not the only ones getting up to stuff around here! You’re whining at us but I bet if Ratbat had done it you wouldn’t be mad.” Frenzy snapped.

“If Batty wanted to watch a movie he would ask politely and I would have gotten it for him." You pointed out. "I would do the same thing if you were ever polite a day in your life.”

“Sorry I don’t want to go beg an _organic_ for permission.”

“When it’s the organic's house you ought to.”

“Really?” Frenzy snorted, or made a noise somewhat similar to one. “Oh squishy spirits, why should I let a fleshy tell me what to do?”

To your suprise, the planchette did move.

“ _Because you are no better than her_.”

Frenzy glared around the table. “Which one of you said that?”

No one claimed it, until, “ _I did_.”

Frenzy barked out a laugh, “And you the frag are you?”

“ _Jhiaxus_.”

That shut everyone up. You mostly from confusion, but the others were strained.

Laserbeak pulled away so he could look at all of you. “That is not something to joke about.”

“Who's that?” You asked.

“He was-” Rumble leaned over to whisper, but Frenzy cut him off.

“Oh, really? Prove it!”

You could not keep up with the sudden frantic things that the board began spelling out. It moved almost too fast for you to track, making an unpleasant plastic squeak as it went. Whatever it was saying had the mechs enraptured, though. The twins were letting their arms get jerked around as they followed it. Laserbeak had pressed back his swan neck into his body. You could feel Ratbat tensing in you lap, but also Rumble heating up beside you. In fact the whole room was so hot with energy you could hardly breathe.

Still, they all watched with glowing red eyes as it gradually slowed. When it stopped you all pulled your hands back without a word.

Frenzy was the first to speak. He was half-hearted. “That doesn’t prove slag.”

A low voice came from the window. “What doesn’t?”

It was amazing how fast several tons of metal could move. You hadn’t even the chance to flinch before Rumble grabbed your collar and pulled you with him as he vaulted the coffee table away from the threat. Frenzy had a gun from nowhere aimed at the window. Laserbeak was off the ground, massive wings spread nearly touching both walls.

Everyone was screaming.

It petered out once you all registered who you were looking at.

“Good evening, Ravage.” You waved.

The cyber-cougar only just fit on the fire escape. His tail was nowhere to be seen and you hoped the downstairs neighbor were not by their window. “What are you idiots doing now?”

“Just,” You took a deep breath, “Playing a game. What are you doing?”

“I came to inform Rumble and Frenzy that Soundwave is aware they skipped monitor duty to play videogames with Dragstrip. Then I planned on getting some deserved recharge. I didn’t intend to arrive at the madhouse.”

“Yeah.” Your voice was a bit thick. “I think things went out of control back there.”

Ratbat looked embarrassed, then pouted. “I probably shouldn’t have done that last part.”

“Do the-” Rumble squinted, then whipped around to yell at you both, “You tricked us!”

“Yeah.” You hoped that it was nerves cutting off your air and not Rumble tightening his grip on your shirt. “I can explain.”

“Let’s hear it.”

“I was getting fed up with you walking all over me in my own home, okay? I know you’re bigger and stronger than me, but I live here. I can’t do that if you insist on treating me like toy. So I asked Ratbat for help getting back at you.”

Laserbeak regarded you coldly. “You thought it was a good idea to intentionally upset mechs who could rip you to shreds with a flick of a talon.”

“Yes.” You nodded. “That was not my smartest move.”

Rumble frowned. “It was pretty dumb.”

“I know.” Ratbat was pressing hard against your stomach. You couldn’t tell if he was nervous or trying to cover you. Or both.

Before things could escalate even further, though, Frenzy started to laugh.

It wasn’t that nasty way he usually laughed at you whenever they managed to upset you. For once Frenzy sounded genuinely delighted, in peals of laughter as he leaned on Rumble for support. “Primus, squishy! I didn’t think you had it in ya!”

“Bro?”

“Come on! It’s not everyday someone actually has the bearings to try and pull one over on us.” He grinned at you.

Rumble smiled slightly. “True. Wasn’t expecting it from our organic.”

You tried to look at Ravage to ask what was going on, but the cat was as inscrutable as always.

Frenzy managed to get himself back together even if he was still shaking with mirth. “Look, femme, normally I’d slag you for trying to frag with us, but just this once I’m going to let you off. Call it even, ya know?”

You nodded.

Laserbeak cocked his head. “You got off lucky this time.”

You nodded.

Rumble slouched, back to lazing around now that there wasn't an active threat. "I guess I get why you did it. Let's make a deal: we'll quite bullyin' you and you don't ever try that again."

You nodded. "Agreed."

* * *

 

It was early the next morning when you remembered to ask Ratbat what had been bothering you. The two of you were tucked under the covers, one long metal wing draped over your hip. Pressed this close you could smell the hot electronics scent that the cons often gave off, but by this point it was something close to comforting.

“Who was that guy? Whatshisface? Jhiaxus?”

It was dark, but the flicker of his optics let you know he was still awake. The red light cast an odd blush over both of you.

“Jhiaxus was a very evil mech.”

“I could tell; he was scaring the hell out of everyone. What did he do?”

Ratbat hummed, clearly trying to think of a way to explain it to an alien who had no context. “Mechs can form bonds in ways that organics can’t. Not that there’s anything wrong with the way you are, but we have these things called sparks. When we really love each other we put our sparks together and if we _really_ love each other we’ll make them connected forever.”

Did you just get the talk?

“But Jhiaxus was a scientist. He thought that he could use bonds for something. So he forced a bunch of mechs to bond. It hard to explain what happened next but they all went so crazy from it that they became a mech called Monstructor.” He sighed a whistling noise through his fangs. “That’s not the only bad thing he did, but it is the story I told today.”

You dragged your fingers along the smooth metal of his cheek and he nuzzled in.

“Things were very bad in back on Cybertron, but even then we knew better than to try and to things like that.”


	5. Track 5

It was five o’clock on a Thursday afternoon when you arrived soaked to the bone and still perfectly happy.

He met you at the door.

“Have you been here all day?” You asked.

‘Here’ referred to the front entry of your apartment. Ravage followed you to the door when you left in the morning and was still taking up most of the hall. It was a struggle stepping over him to get inside.

His optics weren’t on, but he did answer, “We refuse to leave in that downpour.”

Who that entailed was answered when you entered the living room to find Laserbeak and Buzzsaw sitting by the window cuddled like a pair of lovebirds. They probably couldn’t see much given how hard it was raining, but the glowing reflection of their eyes in the glass told you they were looking.

“Good afternoon,” You called to them as you remembered to tug off your rain boots on the cusp of the carpet. The last thing you needed was to add mold to your ever growing list of housing problems.

“You look like a drowned petro-rat.” Buzzsaw barely glanced at you and the insults had already begun.

“Not sure what that is.” Who cared, honestly? You were in a perfectly good mood getting a full day’s pay for half the work. No badly behaved bird was going to ruin that.

He was right, though, you probably should take a shower. You smelled like pond water.

“Anyone else here?” You asked. No need to give anyone a surprise eyeful hopping in the tub. God knows the twins had never learned to knock.

Ravage padded in from the front door. “Not this cycle. Rumble and Frenzy are currently under punishment for replacing the cleanser in the communal wash racks with paint thinner.”

“Yikes.” Wasn’t their paint something like skin? You were positive they felt through it. “And Batty?”

“On a mission.”

Made sense; if he were home he would have latched on to you by now.

“So it’s the responsible boys tonight.” Maybe things will be peaceful for once!

You could dream at least.

Either way, you hoped that the twins hadn’t done anything to _your_ shower. You scanned the room when you entered it, but nothing seemed to be amiss. The twins usually left you that bastion of privacy if only because of what happened the one time Frenzy walked in on you in the shower. It’s why you still locked the door behind you even though it was only Ravage and the birds today.

* * *

 

Sometimes you almost forgot how strong the Decepticons were. It wasn’t often, of course. They rarely let you. However, sometimes when you were cuddling Ratbat or bickering with the boys you lost sight of the obvious.

Then Frenzy would pick you up by the arm with an almost crushing grip while you frantically tried to keep you robe closed.

“What is the matter with you?” You screeched, kicking a damp foot against the metal of his midsection.

“What happened to you?” He barked back, face twisted up with confusion, “What happened to your armor?”

“The fuck do you mean-”

“Oh slag, did someone do this to you?” He stumbled back in shock and dropped you onto the bathroom floor.

You scrambled away from him, glaring. “I do not know what you are talking about!”

His voice had taken on a faint echoing quality, “Someone _flayed_ you down to the protoform!”

“What?” Rumble had followed his brother once the yelling started and was crowding the door with the birds and a very distressed Ratbat.

The little magenta mech took his turn to flit across the room between you and Frenzy. “Keep your hands off her!”

Frenzy didn’t hesitate to swat him out of the air and into the sink. “Get out of my face, you turkey.”

You grabbed Ratbat and prayed he hadn't cracked the porcelain. “Can someone tell me what is even happening right now?”

Frenzy, as whatever going on was his issue, spoke first, “Someone ripped off your armor!”

Rumble leaned forward to get a closer look at what his brother was talking about until Laserbeak shoved his way into the cramped room, effectively blocking him out. “Frenzy, you half-wit, humans don’t have armor.”

“Yes they do!” He groped at the pajamas that had previously been folded neatly on the counter.

All of a sudden, Laserbeak sounded so very tired. He began speaking very slowly, like Frenzy was a child. “That is a form of auxiliary armor. It does not bind to the human’s protoform the way that ours does.”

Frenzy blinked once, twice again for good measure. His gaze flicked from your cleavage to your face, then back again to your chest. “Huh.”

* * *

 

After your shower, you toweled yourself off. That had been embarrassing. You didn’t actually fault him that much for it. Ratbat had explained afterwards that a mech in such a vulnerable state would be cause for alarm. Apparently Frenzy had been genuinely concerned when he walked in on you.

It was nearly sweet.

Still, it was the worst response anyone had ever had to seeing you naked and you didn’t want a repeat.

But every day with the Decepticons was a new adventure. For instance, today you walked out of your steamy bathroom to Buzzsaw and Laserbeak trying to remove your mattress from its box spring base.

“Guys? What’s up?”

The birds tended to goggle when you caught them doing something they shouldn’t. Their eyes would brighten and their swanlike necks would reel back as if it ask ‘who, me?’

Yes, you, you pricks.

“Any particular reason you’re tearing my mattress?”

Laserbeaks mouth was full of bedding, but Buzzsaw had been using his claws to carry it. “We’re requisitioning it."

“Right.” You may be more likely to blink in a staredown than they were on the basis of actually possessing eyelids, but you had a face nearly as schooled.

Buzzsaw tilted his entire head in an eye rolling gesture. “If you must know, we are constructing a nest in the communal area and needed more bedding.”

That's was a surprisingly mundane reason. “And nothing I can say will stop you?”

“You would be correct.”

“Alright, let’s get it over with.” And to the great surprise of the birds, you stepped up to help.

Buzzsaw dropped his end and you staggered under the extra weight. “What are you aiming at, human?”

“I really don’t mind helping you guys with whatever you want so long as you just, you know, speak up and say it.” Wow, your mattress sagged a lot. You ought to look into replacing it eventually.

They exchanged a look, the took back their positions.

“We have our optics on you, human.” Laserbeak warned.

Clear that you knew what would happen if you tried anything, the three of you set about dragging your bed through the apartment. It wasn’t easy, nor particularly pleasant when you were nearly knocked off your feet by an errant wing, but together you managed. After all, it was travelling less than twenty feet total. You finally entered the room to Ravage watching you from atop the television.

He trailed his claws across the glass screen.

“Please don’t do that.”

“Why?”

“Because if you break the T.V. the boys won't have anything to do next time they're over but bug me.”

He instantly retracted his claws.

The birds had made space for their nest. The coffee table was flush with the television stand and the couch was pushed back, leaving just enough room for your queen sized mattress. You dropped your side dramatically in place and they followed suit.

“I hope you plan on putting this back eventually.” You said, regarding your achievement.

The birds ignore you as they settled themselves. Buzzsaw was on the couch, already fussing over cushion placement. Laserbeak stretched his wings to the fullest and took up most of the bed. At least until Ravage pounced.

It was a flurry of squawking and snarling as the big cat knocked his teammate nearly off the bed. They nipped at one another, twisting and shifting until they were both only semi-uncomfortable looking.

Laserbeak was long suffering. Clearly, this was regular Ravage behavior.

Before they started bickering again: “Want me to get some blankets? So you three can get cozy?”

Ravage nodded. “If you would.”

You didn’t have a linen closet, but you did have some spare sheets stashed under the bed. You dragged them from their plastic container homes into the living room and spread one with flourish over the trio. It was flannel, printed with snowflakes. Buzzsaw caught it before it could lay flat against his brother.

“Why would you ever own something so hideous? Don’t you have an ounce of self respect? Is that asking too much from your species?”

“You definitely had you expectations too high.” You tried to tug it out of his grasp but not very hard.

You were so distracted by your own thoughts that you didn’t notice the large black paw coming to grab your waistband and pull you face first into the semi-complete nest.

That set everyone off.

Ravage kept a paw on your back as Laserbeak put as much space between the two of you as possible. There wasn’t much to be had. Ravage promptly pinned the wing closest to you so it didn’t get a chance to cut a chunk out of you. In the meantime, Buzzsaw had migrated onto the back of the couch. He looked on with open disgust.

“What are you doing?” Buzzsaw screeched, “You cannot seriously be bringing an organic into our nest!”

“Your nest,” Ravage sighed, “Made of her materials. I doubt you left enough for her to use. I was correcting the problem before it arose.”

Laserbeak glared at him as he attempted to wriggle free. “Oh, I’m sure! It has nothing to do with with _your_ tendency to cuddle up to anything that gives off heat.”

Ravage was affronted. “Don’t imply-”

“What? That you have no standards?”

You squirmed your way out of Ravage’s grasp before they came to blows. “Listen, I’ll leave you guys in peace. I was going to go see if Raoul wanted to go to the movies anyway.”

They both snapped, “No!”

You sat back against the couch and watched them warily. At least they were no longer at each other’s throats.

“Don’t be too concerned,” Buzzsaw assured you as he sank back into the couch right behind you, “We’ve known each other for six million years. If we were going to kill each other it would have happened a long time ago.”

They still looked ready to strike.

“Six million.” You repeated. Were they measuring years the same way as you? “No offense but you guys are… kind of old, aren’t you?”

For a moment you were worried that they might be sensitive about that, for who really knew with them, but Laserbeak just sounded amused. “Older than you can even comprehend, newspark.”

Buzzsaw hummed, “We were at war when your planet was still forming.”

“Yikes.” The air from his vents chilled the back of your neck.

It was quiet until, “You really are young.”

Ravage reached a paw to catch in your hair. You held very still as his several inch long claws grazed your scalp.

Buzzsaw nipped at the cat and set about fixing the mussed hair he left behind. “It’s terribly sad; only a few deca-solar-cycles old and already so close to the Well.”

“Dear, you guys are going to kill me way before old age ever does.” You were between Ravage and Laserbeak. It seemed safe now that they had calmed down, but being between tons of moving metal wasn’t ever really safe.

You all sat in companionable silence broken only by the rain on the wall.

“Where were you guys before earth?”

The birds started at your request and Ravage even brightend the previously dimmed glow of his optics.

“That is a,” Laserbeak tilted his head, “Large question. We would be here all night if we wanted to tell you about even a fraction of our lives.”

You beamed. “I’ve got the time. Someone set the break room on fire and the sprinklers soaked the whole building. The college sent us home with full pay until it dries out.”

The birds were still hesitant, but Ravage’s rare good mood had made him talkative. “Before the war, the three of us lived in Stanix. The only thing to be said for it is that it wasn’t Earth.”

“It was a pit.” Laserbeak blanched, “The second worst city on Cybertron.”

Buzzsaw’s sigh made his beak vibrate on your skull, “Best energon wine in the know galaxy, though.”

Laserbeak laughed, “As if we were the ones drinking it.”

“Laserbeak is right. We were street mechs, as most of our frame types were. It was hard to make a living as a mechanimal, but we did manage well enough. We ran errands of senators and scrounged to get by. Many weren’t so lucky.” Ravage stretched himself out, long tail looping around to rest on your thigh. He was not bothered by the dreary subject, although you kind of regretted bringing it up. “No one was looking for cheap labor the day I found Soundwave.”

Laserbeak and Buzzsaw shared a look over your head.

“He was fantastically powered even back then, dangerously so,” Ravage shook his head. “He telepathy was driving him away from others but I managed to sneak up on him.”

“He was a mess.” Laserbeak had never sounded so fond.

“I convinced him to come home with us; I had experience with touchy sensors.”

You hummed and he seemed to remember who he was speaking to.

“My nose is extremely keen. I am not the best tracker in the Decepticons without reason.”

“Here I thought it was your slavish devotion to the cause.” Said Buzzsaw.

You hadn’t time to flinch Ravage lunged forward, face pressed into your neck. He was enormous, dark metal of his skull blocking out your vision.

Long teeth grazed skin as he ducked away.

“Humans have such distinctive scents once you know what to look for.”

Your voice was a bit high. “When I said you guys would be the death of me that is _exactly_ what I meant.”

“As I was saying, together we worked to dampen his telepathy to manageable levels. In return he helped us get off the street and into normal society. Even before we reformatted to deploy from him we were a natural team.” Ravage was purring. It was best not to comment.

Laserbeak spoke up right as Ravage drifted off. “Don’t be modest now. The human wanted a story, not an outline. Allow me to tell you about the first time we met you beloved little Ratbat.”

Buzzsaw snickered.

“As they would say on earth,” Laserbeak declared, “Senator Ratbat was a teflon mech.”

“Excuse me, senator?” You reached back to brush Buzzsaw away from your scalp. He was really starting to yank.

“Oh, this was before he ended up in his current frame. They would have never let a mechanimal into the senate.” Buzzsaw snorted, giving you the chance to get away from that gnawing mouth.

“As I was saying. He was someone who a bad reputation never stuck to. Later we would learn this was thanks to his penchant for blackmail against anyone who knew about his more sordid behavior." There was little love in Laserbeak's voice. "We met with Ratbat per his request in what was, to this day, the tackiest oil house we ever entered. Mixmaster’s impromptu dives are better decorated. The walls were painted with artist interpretations of Nova Prime that all made him look like one of your planet’s bobble head dolls.

“Technically, he only wanted to speak to Soundwave, but the Boss would have never allowed it even then. We all went and got overcharged on the senator’s credit-”

“Perhaps you did,” Ravage interrupted, offended to be lumped in with a couple of drunks.

Laserbeak ruffled, then continued, “Ratbat was trying to butter us up, but even then he was too conceited. He was the kind to go on about how important he is to people who truly did not care. That's what he was doing then, at least.

“He wanted Soundwave to spy on a particular political enemy of his. We only agreed because the sum he offered was more than any of us had ever even seen at a single time.

“He oversaw many mining districts, particularly citystate of Kaon. Apparently some other member of the senate had been lurking around the lowest pits and even a fool like Ratbat knew a towerling had no place in Kaon.

“So, he flew us down there with the promise that if we were discreet there would be a bonus along with it. Ravage, of course, assumed the bonus would be a laser to the helm, but off we went.

“We spend the next two cycles skulking through the muck of that place, tailing this Iaconian Idiot up and down ever layer of Kaon. We all took turns watching him until we finally managed to catch him in the act. Do you know what we found?” He paused for you to guess.

“Drugs?”

The bird shook his head ruefully, “In part. The real pay dirt was the ever so prim senator in the berth with two miners. Apparently he had a taste for the kind of heavy machinery that doesn't see much use in the towers.”

This was a punchline that you knew well enough, even if you suspected there was more implied from the way they roared and squawked with laughter. You laughed along with them.

However, you quit giggling first to smack at Buzzsaw. He was once again playing rough with your hair.

“Please quit it?” You turned to scowl at him. “You’re going to make me go bald.”

“I will not! If you expect me to look at the disaster you call a frame I should at least be allowed to make corrections.” He was indignant. “Not that anything would help you.”

“Don’t mind him,” purred Ravage with a clear undercurrent of vengefulness, “Preening is how he shows affection. Even to organics, apparently.”

Now that set Buzzsaw off into a frenzy of unintelligible alien noises. Ravage took offense to some part of it and began beeping back. Laserbeak was unimpressed.

You acted without thinking. It was a bad habit.

You pressed a hand to Buzzsaw's warm breast, “Why didn’t you just say you were feeling affectionate?”

“I am n-”

“Shush,” You patted him, “Human’s just show it a little differently, so I didn’t know.”

To punctuate your statement you planted a firm kiss on the edge of his beak. Mouth molded to metal for a moment; then you jerked away before he took a bite out of you. “That’s how humans show that they love each other.”

They were statue still and you held your breath. After what must have been less than thirty second, given that you’d couldn’t hold your breath very long, Buzzsaw chuffed.

“You are lucky none of your contagions can affect us or I’d have you blood on my claws.”

“Bloodborne illness are a thing, too.” Ever helpful, that’s you.

And so the four of you passed the night along that same general way. They’d tell stories and you’d listen, bright eyed. You heard about shocking battles and scandalous Decepticon intrigue. You even heard about the time that Air Commander Starscream, a fearsome mech going by his reputation on earth, got into a fist fight with Head Science Officer Shockwave over the last test tube.

Apparently they had both been having very bad days.

After many hours of this the birds did drift off into a state Ravage referred to as 'recharge', nestled down in your flannel sheets. Only you and Ravage remained.

“I cannot believe him! He seriously got an alt mode to match Lord Megatron’s?” You gasped, hand over your mouth.

“On my pulsing spark,” He promised. Looking at you, he narrowed his eyes in a way that would have been threatening awhile back.

Very slowly, Ravage spread his claws, stretched out his long front legs, and moved to lay down on top of you. He made a soft grumbling noise as he got comfortable. His massive head resting in your lap. He must have still been supporting himself, otherwise the weight would have crushed your thighs.

“Um, honey?”

“I am giving you an opportunity to do something many have offlined attempting.” His ears flicked. “You have my permission to pet me.”

Was he being forward with you?

Well, it was no worse than anything you had ever done with Ratbat.

“Alright.” You brushed a hand over warm metal. “But tell me if I do something you don’t like.”

The only response was a soft, engine-like purr.


	6. Track 6

Apartment complexes are a bit like living in a commune. Not the fun kind with free love and cheap dope, unless it was some sort of student housing for a state college, but the old-fashioned kind. Everyone helped out everyone else.

Together people bartered and traded and sometimes just relied on the charity of their neighbors. It was actually nice when good people like Raoul lived just down the hall. You could trust on him and tried to be trustworthy in turn.

Sure, there was the occasional problem; thick walls make good neighbors and yours were paper thin. Day to day, however, things were good as you could hope.

One of your duties was babysitting certain afternoons. You didn’t work the three shift cycle a lot of your neighbors did which meant that you had many an evening off. Most of the kids around were old enough to be latchkeys or had older siblings to manage them, but some had mitigating circumstances.

For instance there was sweet, darling Rafael. The baby in his family and the only one who still lived at home. Normally some vague relative was able to watch him, but everyone had been busy as of late. If one person was studying for their RA degree another was picking up extra hours at work. You had been drafted to watch him on occasion and never minded. Normally,  it was no trouble. Raf was a total peach.

The issue today was that you were running late.

First you had been held after at work. They were making up for lost time, apparently. Thankfully, you hadn’t missed the bus! Tragically, this was because they bus had broken down five feet from your stop.

With no new bus coming, you hoofed it home. By the time you were in the lobby you were sprinting across the faded carpet. This was not a part of town where you wanted to leave a seven year old alone.

Your apartment door was slightly cracked when you skidded to a stop in front of it.

You stepped inside.

The fluffy top of Rafael’s hair crested the back of the couch. Ravage sat catty-corner to him and while you could only see his tail-end he looked relaxed. Next to him were Rumble and Frenzy, sitting on the floor to be closer to eye level with Raf. They were much too invested in their conversation to notice your arrival. Laserbeak’s head ducked into view as he leaned from his perch on the couch to whisper something to Rafael. Whatever it was got him laughing.

Ratbat was peaking around the doorframe and muttering frantically.

You picked him up and he flinched before realizing who it was.

“Thank primus you’re here!” He squeaked, throwing his wings around your neck. “I told them not to talk to him but no one ever listens to me!”

You shushed him, bouncing the little mech gently. “It’s alright. His name is Raf. While I really wish he hadn’t met you guys everything’s going to be fine. I can handle this.”

“No,” Ratbat whined, “You don’t understand! Rumble and Frenzy have gotten this weird idea-”

“Hey!” Speak of the devil; Frenzy caught sight of you. “Why didn’t you tell us you knew a human minicon?”

“Excuse me? What precisely is a mini-con?”

Frenzy gestured at his own chest, “You know, a mech like us!”

“Short.” Laserbeak clarified, much to the twins offense.

Before they could throw down, Raf had bounced up to stand on the couch and wave at you. “Hi, miss!”

“Hello, Raf.” You greeted. He was in good spirits. The mechs couldn’t have done anything too terrible. Yet. “What have you been up to this _fine_ afternoon?”

Ignoring your question, he asked his own. “Why didn’t you tell me that you were friends with cybertronians?”

Good question, Raf. Just how were you going to explain that these were cybertronian _war criminals_ and hopefully he wouldn’t be spreading around the fact that they lived with you part-time? “Well, you never asked.”

The little boy scrunched up his face in thought, but seemed to accept it.

“And we requested that our presence here be kept quiet.” Ravage, sensible sweetheart that he was, butted in, “We’d hate to bring a host of reporters down on you all.”

Even babies understood that cybertronians couldn’t go for lunch public without half the world knowing by dinner.

“Anyway,” You smiled as you plonked yourself down on the couch next to the boy. Ratbat pressed closer to you. “You didn’t tell me how you’ve been, sweetie.”

Raf positively beamed. “This afternoon has been so much fun! They let us out early from school so I came by, but you weren’t here. Ravage got the door for me though so it’s okay. He’s so cool; I never knew that there were talking cats. Rumble ‘n Frenzy taught me how to play a card game and I _won_ ! It was the best! Can Rumble and Frenzy ‘nd Ravage ‘n Laserbeak come over _every_ time you babysit me?”

His enthusiasm was natural. What little kid didn’t get starry eyed over talking animals and bright, shiny robots? Still, it wasn’t ideal.

Rumble laughed, “We’ll see, mech. We still got a war to fight.”

Christ, Rumble, don’t mention war in front of a child.

Ravage agreed. He slunk by, dragging the razor edge of his tail across the mech’s torso hard enough to scratch.

“Rumble’s right. They’re busy fellas. And so are you mister.” You tapped him on the forehead. “I don’t suppose you’ve done your homework?”

Not that he had a ton in second grade, but it would be a good distraction so you could decide whether to bitch out the boys.

His eyes darted back and forth in that childish tell. “Yeah.”

You hummed.

“Not yet.” His shoulders slumped. He looked up at you from under his lashes, “Could one of the mechs help me?”

The image of Frenzy pouring over a basal reader made you snort. You were thankful no one knew why. “Maybe-”

“I’ll do it.” Laserbeak offered. He nudged Raf gently. “Let’s go to the kitchen away from all this noise.”

So the little boy and the massive bird made off to the kitchen Laserbeak could barely fit in. Once they were safely out of earshot you turned back to the Decepticons.

“What the fuck, you guys?” You hissed.

Frenzy’s good mood gone, he growled, “What do you mean?”

“What the fuck are you doing? Aren’t you guys supposed to be, you know, hiding?”

“I don’t hide from anybody!” Frenzy snapped, standing up to loom over you.

“That’s not what I mean.”

Ratbat unlatched from you to join in your upset. “We’re not supposed to let humans know we’re here!”

Ravage stopped Frenzy before he could reply. “Normally we are, but weighing to cost it seemed wiser to bring the child inside.”

Rumble pouted, “I don’t see what the big deal is; he’s cool.”

“He’s seven, Rumble.” You dragged a palm across your face.

“Excuse them,” Ravage rolled his whole head, “He doesn’t know what a child is.”

“Do so! I’m not stupid!” He jumped up to stand too.

“Define it.” You and Ravage and Ratbat spoke all at once.

Rumble’s shoulders went stiff. “A human minicon.”

Ravage sighed. “No, they are not human minicons.”

Before they could really start at it, and you can tell that Rumble was starting to go hot in the face, you grabbed his wrist. “Listen, we can talk about this later. We’ll break out the dictionary. Right now we need to discuss what we’re going to do in regard to Raf.”

“Why do we gotta do anythin’ ‘bout him?” Frenzy asked.

“Listen, whatever Raf is, he was not supposed to know you guys were here.” You pulled Ratbat close to rest your cheek on his head. This was stressful. “You guys really shouldn’t be here.”

Ratbat whined and nuzzled you back.

Rumble argued that. “I know we’re here on the down low, but it’s not that big of a deal.”

Ravage was pained by that.

“It is. It might not seem like such a big deal to you, but in case you forgot Decepticons are _alien invaders_. I’m pretty sure that by not calling the cops on you I committed treason. Maybe against the entire world.” Wow, your voice wavered a little bit there.

“We’re going to get them in trouble.” Ratbat sounded so sad about it. Now when you pressed him to your face it was his benefit.

This apparently hadn’t really occurred to the boys. You all stood silently.

Ravage padded over, bumping your chest gently. “Whatever happens, we’ve managed thus far.”

As if to make his point there was a call from the kitchen. “Where’s the paper towels? Laserbeak knocked over my juice!”

“Oh, I did, did I?” The bird squawked.

There was always something.

* * *

No one came to you door the next day. Or the next week. Or even the next two. You could only assume that this meant things might actually be okay. No swat team had come to steal you off to some CIA interrogation chamber. Apparently Raf had taken Ravage’s warnings to heart.

The mechs visited, you looked after Raf, and no one got arrested. The only person who remained extremely high strung over it was Ratbat. When pressed on his issue with the little boy he had whimpered.

“I don’t think he likes me.”

You looked up from the bills you were filling out. “What makes you think that, honey.”

“I can just tell.” Ratbat’s whole body sagged. Even his pointy ears were low.

“Oh, Batty,” You reached across the table to scoop him into your lap. “It’s alright. He hasn’t really had the chance to get to know you.”

For some reason that wasn’t the right thing to say. He slouched even further. “Yeah, he has.”

* * *

 

That had been simply heartbreaking. You couldn’t imagine what would have given him the idea that Raf didn’t like him. Sure, he wasn’t the most popular among his team, but you found the little mech eminently lovable. He’d been clinging especially close to you lately and it was sort of worrying. He needed reassurance.

“I’m watching Raf on Saturday morning if any of you’d like to swing by.” You were folding laundry on the couch with Batty. Half your shirts were laid out on Rumble’s lap, but that’s just because it was flat enough to keep your stuff from wrinkling. He wasn’t actually helping.

“The mi-,” Rumble corrected himself, “The kid?”

“The one and only.” It had taken ages to explain the human life cycle to him and you weren’t positive he really had it yet. Still, progress.

“And you won’t complain about us gettin’ seen?” He side eyed you.

“Cross my heart.” He didn’t recognize the phrase. “I promise. He’d love to see you all.”

He hummed, nodding, “I’ll ask Frenz if he wants to.”

* * *

 

Come Saturday the house was hopping with activity.

The twins were hogging the television, but couldn’t agree on what to watch. They jostled and bickered and at one point Rumble had disappeared the remote into something he called a subspace pocket. Frenzy jammed his hand into a spot in Rumble’s side and he produced the remote from the aether while his brother shouted.

Laserbeak was in the process of draping five separate blankets across his special wicker chair. It looked like some throne covered in furs. Assuming, of course, that ermine came in acid green patterns.

Ratbat had balanced on your shoulders with his face in your hair. You rubbed circles on his back.

There was a knock on the door. “Miss, I’m here!”

“It’s unlocked, honey!”  You were elbows deep in the closet trying to find something.

The door opened and shut. Then:

“Guys!”

“Hey, Raf.” Rumble. His voice was ever so slightly lower than his twin.

Frenzy made a clicking noise that probably went along with a hand gesture of greeting. However, it was followed up by a strange yelp.

“Is everything ok-” You turned around and almost dropped the boxes in your arms.

Raf had clambered onto the couch to throw his arms around Frenzy for a hug. The mech had pulled a face, looking around frantically.

“Now, now, give him some room.” You couldn’t help smiling though. “How about you come over here and help me set up.”

Your arms were full of board game boxes.

Child appropriate ones.

The boy ‘oh-ed’, “What are we playing?”

Frenzy, freed, gave you a distrustful look. “Yeah, what are we playin’?”

Threaten a mech with supernatural vengeance one time and you never live it down. Bridge-Builders and all that, you suppose.

“Some perfectly wholesome board games, honey, don’t worry.”  You set the stack on the coffee table. Rumble and Raf crowded it.

“Monopoly!” Raf snatched up the game, rather counterintuitively given how he clearly wanted to play it. Kids. “I’m the best at Monopoly!”

“What, pray tell, is Monopoly?” Asked Laserbeak with a voice that lacked his usual condescending tone.

Rafael launched into an explanation you could only partially follow. He felt passion for this game. Where on earth did a second grader learn the term adjustable mortgage. They must have some house rules in the Esquivel residence.

From the glazed look of their visors it was clearly going over the twins’ heads, so you addressed them in a whisper, “It’s basically Capitalism the Board Game. The instructions are in the box.

“So I take it that’s your pick?” You asked once Raf had finished his monologue.

He nodded frantically. “It’s my favorite! I always beat Raoul.”

Raoul was the type of guy to let a kid win, but at the same time Raf was crazy bright. Either of those could be the case.

“Well, how about you and the boys set things up with I get us some snacks?”

“We’re on it!” He chirped and so he was.

In the kitchen you took a moment to remove Ratbat from his perch. “You doing alright, Batty?”

“I guess.” His voice was so soft you could hardly make it out over the commotion coming from the next room.

“I know this wasn’t your first choice in weekend plans, but this will still be nice? And if you don’t feel comfortable we can make an excuse for you to dip, okay?” You held him at arm’s length so you could be on eye level.

“No,” The minicon pouted and reached for you with the nubby thumb-parts of his wings. You pulled him close. “I don’t want to leave.”

“You won’t have to!” The smooth metal of his back was warm under your hands. “This will be a nice time and everyone will get along!”

He was unconvinced.

“Give it a shot for me?”

At last the bat relented. “Fine. Kiss?”

How could you say no? You chastely kissed his forehead and he nuzzled your neck.

“Let’s do this thing!” You declared as you bounced back into the room with your slightly more lively passenger and a box of Teddy Grahams.

In the meantime things had been progressing well under Beaky’s watchful eye. The board had been set and the pieces laid out. Frenzy was sitting on the floor at the ‘head’ of the table shuffling the cards with unexpected skill.

“You deal a lot?” You patted the mech’s shoulder as you passed by.

“Nobody else can do it to save their armor.” He shrugged. “And there ain’t much to do in space otherwise.”

“I’ll keep that in mind when making travel plans.”

You settled down on the couch with Raf. The boys had abandoned it to him. Ratbat, shockingly, left your lap, choosing instead to cuddle at your side opposite to Raf.

“Which token do you want?” Raf was cupping them in his hands so carefully. Such a good kid.

You hummed, “I’m going to be the bank. Someone has to make sure the mechs play fair. You should choose first.”

Frenzy scowled.

It did not take a second’s thought before he set aside the car. He pointed to Ratbat. “Okay. Which one does, uh-?”

The pink mech peered wearily around your waist and after consideration gestured. “You pick.”

“You strike me as a top hat kind of mech.” You plucked it from Raf’s hand and offered it to Batty.

Raf stuck his palms out to the other mechs who had sat down across from you. “How about you guys.”

“That a blaster?” Frenzy said curiously as he pointed at one.

Raf held it up curiously. “The cannon.”

Frenzy grinned. “The blaster.”

Raf tossed it and the mech caught.

“Yo, Frenz’ doesn’t that one look kind of like Astrotrain?”

“Uh, yeah, it is a train, dummy.”

Rumble swatted at Frenzy then held his hand out for his piece.

“What about you, Mr. Laserbeak?” Raf offered the remaining tokens for inspection.

Laserbeak displayed shocking care as his pecked the scottie dog. “This one resembles Ravage and I’m going to mock him for it.”

The Decepticon way.

The box lid had been filled with fake cash. You set it in your lap to dole out. “Everybody starts off with fifteen hundred dollars and three deed cards. I hope you did a good job shuffling.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Frenzy snatched the bills from you, “I wish I had a fifteen hundred shanix.”

“I wish you did too.” Agreed Rumble, already trying to finch some money off his brother.

Laserbeak turned from examining his cards. “Rafael, why don’t you go first? Show us how it works.”

Raf beamed at the bird’s request and tossed the die. “Five!”

You ‘oh-ed’ with appropriate levels of awe. “Reading Railroad! A strong start. No one has it.”

Raf bounced in his seat. “I want to buy it!”

“Two hundo, my dear Raf.” You held out a hand with exaggerated flourish.

Money exchanged hands and Raf was as a proud property owner.

Rumble went next. He rolled:

“A five! I want to buy something too!”

You smiled gently. “No, Rumble, that means you land on the Railroad that Raf has. You have to pay him rent.”

The mech sneered. “I haven’t paid rent since Kaon.”

Raf frowned, oh so sad. “But it’s the rules. I’m sorry.”

You shot Rumble a look. They better not do anything to hurt Raf’s feelings.

Thankfully, the mech shrugged. “It’s whatever. Just don’t go spreading it around that I let some bitlet take my stuff.”

It turned out Raf was actually pretty good at Monopoly. He bought up spaces at record speed and seemed to have impossible luck when it came to people landing on his squares.

He certainly fared better than the boys, who could barely hash out paper money. Apparently they didn’t have it back home. Whatever they wanted on Earth they stole. On several occasions they were close the bankruptcy before Raf fronted some loans. He had money to spare and didn’t want it to be over yet.

Of course, playing with children did have some missteps.

“How can you see your cards when you’re holding them in your mouth?” Rafael asked Laserbeak.

The bird did everything with his massive, slightly hooked beak. He drew his cards and examined them then carefully tucked them into his newest nest.

Knowing that Laserbeak could be a bit touchy you were thankful he didn’t take offense. It had been honest curiously. Even you wondered from time to time.

Laserbeak tilted his head in thought, “Mechs have sensors besides their optics that allow vision. While optical sensors are the strongest I’m perfectly capable of usings others to read.”

Raf goggled behind his glasses. “Can you see through your skin?”

Laserbeak laughed a shorter version of his parrot cackle. “No, while my armor is markedly sensitive that is not a skill I possess. I knew a mech once who could though.”

“You gotta remember,” Rumble interjected, “We don’t work the same way you fleshies do. For instance, I don’t have ta move my mouth to talk.”

To demonstrate, he grinned wide and called Laserbeak a rude name through what seemed to be a speaker in his chest.

You scolded him even as Raf broke down in giggles.

It was all going quite well, until:

“Ratbat’s cheating!”

“Am not!” Wailed the accused.

You placed you palm on the little mech’s chest, mindful of where his armor had flared in distress. “Now, now. Raf, what makes you think Batty is cheating?”

He had exclaimed it out of nowhere, but now looked fired up with the righteous anger only an elementary schooler being cheated at a game could manage. “He was taking money from your lap when you weren’t looking!”

You opened your mouth to say _something_ but before you could there was Laserbeak. “He’s correct. Ratbat has been, as usual, cheating.”

The twins nodded in agreement, with Frenzy adding that, “I didn’t point it out because you always let Ratbat get away with everything.”

The con in question was shaking his head like a dog with water in its ears. He suddenly jerked away from you, scrambled onto the back of the couch, and took off out of the room.

That was bad.

Raf’s face was scrunched up and red. That could be worse.

Thankfully before Rafael could start to sniffle your mechs jumped in.

“Oh, don’t mind him,” Laserbeak scoffed, nudging Raf gently.

“Ol’ Ratbat’s a sore loser.” Declared Rumble with a flick of his wrist. “Who cares what he does.”

“Yeah, kid, don’t pay him any attention.” Frenzy held out a card to Rafael. “He’s always been like that. How ‘bout we just keep playing and count him out.”

As the boys comforted Rafael, Laserbeak sent you several covert looks in the direction of the kitchen. You handed him the bank and slipped away.

Ratbat had not turned on the overhead in his escape. The only light came from his half hidden optics under the sink.

You crouched down, then after a moment’s deliberation sat on the floor. “Hi, Ratbat.”

He didn’t answer.

“Any particular reason you’re hiding?”

Through the crack in the cabinet you watched him nod. He was swaddled in his own wings.

“Care to share what it is?”

He looked away.

“Would you mind coming out here, at least. We don’t have to back to the living room or anything.”

He clearly didn’t want to, but eventually he slunk into proper view. He balanced on the cabinet edge and made no move to come closer.

“Ratbat.” You sighed. “Why did you feel the need to cheat at a board game against a seven year old?”

He mumbled something.

You leaned in. “Please speak up, honey.”

“He already hates me.”

“He hardly knows you.”

Ratbat’s wings snapped up to grab the sides of the doorway he was in. They were wider than any bird you’d ever seen up close. “He does though. I don’t know how, but he can tell.”

“Tell what?”

“I wasn’t always like this.” He sneered. It was an expression you hadn’t really anticipated for his face. His sharp fangs turned red in the light of is optics. It was an ugly look. “I used to be a mech like Rumble and Frenzy, but now I’m just some tiny little thing. I hate it! I can’t go back to who I was so I have to do my best with this body, but I hate that too!”

You hadn’t expected… that.

“I knew he knew and he’d tell you and now you’ll treat me like everyone else does!” His wings dropped to his sides, his whole body slouching in defeat.

“I don’t,” You swallowed, “I don’t hate you. You’re my friend, Batty. You cheated at a board game; you didn’t shoot me.”

The mech’s optics went dark. “I just liked you liking me.”

“I still do.” Taking the chance, you petted his head the way he always enjoyed.

He nudged your palm. His optics lit up.

Suddenly he lunged. You had a lap full of sad bat snuggling into your chest. He ‘cheep’-ed repeatedly. “Promise?”

You laughed slightly at his enthusiasm. “I swear.”

The two of you hugged on the kitchen floor for probably too long until he stopped shaking.

“I don’t want to play anymore, but can we go back? I want to apologize.”

“Of course.”

* * *

So, yeah, Rafael’s a great kid. Maybe the best you knew. However, the issue with great kids is that they are usually very bad at keeping secrets.

Now this, of course, is for the best. Seven year olds with secrets can be in dangerous positions and you would never want that for anyone. It’s good that Raf felt the need to make a admission to a trusted authority figure.

It just meant a little trouble for you, is all.

The was a knock upon your door.

“I don’t have anyone coming over today.” You blinked.

“Want me to get it?” Frenzy was on the couch opposite to you. His tone implied that whoever was at the door would be the one _getting it_.

You shook your head, setting Ratbat to the side as you stood. “No. Stay quiet while I check who it is.”

A quick look out the peephole showed Raoul shifting impatiently.

“Everything alright?” You asked, worried, before the door was all the way open. His response was fast.

Someday you needed to ask your friends to stop treating you like a ragdoll. Raoul spun you out into the hall behind him and marched in the door.

“Who the frag are you supposed to be?!” Frenzy’s voice was high, echoing with anger.

Raoul faltered for a moment. Had he thought this through or just acted as soon as he heard about them?

“I’m the guy who’s going to take you down, tinman.”

They didn’t stop yelling at each other until you ran out of the hallway and forced yourself between them. Thank god you did.

Raoul was brandishing a yellow and black stun gun at a mech who towered over him. He did not appear the least bit intimidated despite the fact that Frenzy’s drills were out and screeching. They faced each other down like a David and Goliath allegory.

“Wow, everyone calm down!” You weren’t particular calm, but you also didn’t have a weapon.

“You’ve been hiding alien terrorist in your living room.” Raoul jabbed the stun gun in your general direction, but it was more a gesture than a threat.

Frenzy didn’t appreciate the movement and quickly shifted one hand back to normal to drag you out of the way. “Don’t see how that’s any a’ your business, insect.”

“It is because I don’t want war criminals in my house!” Raoul did have a point.

“This isn’t your house! You don’t own the whole building!” Ratbat came out of nowhere to land on your shoulders, sending you stumbling into Frenzy’s side. Raoul jumped back in shock of the new arrival.

“How many of you martians are in there?”

That was it.

You took a firm step between the man and machine. A hand on Frenzy’s kept him from bringing out his other drill. You counted on the fact that Raoul would not actually fire on you. “Could you two be quiet for five seconds? Maybe not try to kill each other? Please?”

Raoul gave the situation a hard look, then sighed. “Alright. Explain.”

Think fast.

“So, for a past several months I’ve been hosting some mechs! They come by off and on and we have a nice time. It’s all perfectly nice, normal stuff. Now, I understand how that could look, but I’m begging you to consider the fact that they’ve been coming by for ages now. If Frenzy, for instance,” You patted the mech’s wrist, “Wanted to hurt me he could have by now.”

“Damn right.” He agreed.

Again Raoul sighed. “Can I talk to you, you know, privately.”

You shared a look with the Decepticons. Frenzy didn’t like the idea and Ratbat squeezed your shoulder, but, “Sure.”

You dislodged your boys and joined Raoul in the hallway. The door remained cracked and there were probably eavesdroppers.

“Raoul-”

“No, listen,” He shook his head. “I think this is a very bad idea. Like, I trust you, but this is capital-d Dangerous.”

You couldn’t deny that.

He didn’t stop there. “But, I’m willing to overlook that. For now. You’re right that they haven’t actually done anything yet. I won’t snitch on your friends today, because you’re my friend.”

You nearly sank to the ground in relief. “Raoul, thank you-”

“Eh,” He waved a finger at you, “I wasn’t finished. I’m not snitching today, but if those freaks get probey on you I’m calling the feds, girlie.”

“Oh, don’t be obscene.” Still, you couldn’t help but grin.

* * *

 

There was only one more event from that little incident worth mentioning.

It had been a Friday night and you were trying to bake a cake without letting Ratbat eat all the raw eggs. Somehow, despite his giant frame Rumble snuck up behind you.

“‘Ey, babe.” He leaned on the counter and half-scared you to death.

Flinching, you set the mixing bowl down. “Yes?”

“So I was thinking.”

“For once.” Muttered Ratbat.

Rumble flicked his detractor’s head. “Anyway, so I was thinking about humans. You guys start out as kids then somebody takes care of them until they become whatever you are, right?”

A rude way to put it. You nodded.

“An’ you guys just build kids by yourselves, right? Don’t need vector sigma or anything.”

You didn’t know what Vector Sigma was. “Generally it takes two people to do that, but yes.”

Rumble hummed, face screwed up with thought for nearly a minute and a half. It gave you time to start mixing the batter again.

“Let’s make a kid.”

And there went the batter all over your shirt. “Excuse me?”

“What did you just say?” Ratbat shrieked.

Rumble was defensive. “It’d be cool! We could have one and then we wouldn’t have to keep givin’ back like we do Raf!”

Ratbat didn’t stop shrieking, “How dare you-”

You covered Batty’s mouth. “Rumble, do you know where human babies come from?”

That took him off guard. “Uh, a cabbage patch?”

Oh goodness. “No, honey. Listen, you go look up how humans have babies and then if you still want to we can discuss this later.”

“Alright, I’ll be right back.” Rumble smiled and strolled away to find his dictionary.

Ratbat was aghast. “Did you just seriously offer to have a newspark with him?”

Oh, for a second you hadn’t been sure which part had upset him. You stroked the length of his back and kindly offered him an egg. “Once he finds out how humans reproduce he will never bring it up again.”

He’d be too grossed out.

Ratbat’s face was unreadable but vaguely unamused. He only smiled when you finally let him drink some of the cake batter.


	7. Track 7

The months had turned cold since the mechs first arrived.

Snow was on the ground - that mottled gray color that it tended to get in the city. The window kept frosting over. It frequently froze shut. Utility bills had skyrocketed with when the furnace kicked on. Unfortunately, even with the awful clamor of noise that came with the heater, not much kept in your cardboard walls.

You were lucky. Most people were stuck with long pajamas, but your mechs didn't care much for the cold either. They didn't mind when you pressed icy fingers to their metal. Ratbat and Ravage were better than any hot water bottle.

It was rare that you didn't have someone to keep you warm at night. Even Laserbeak took you under his wing when you fluttered your lashes nicely.

Tonight was shaping up to be one of those far between empty beds.

Ravage was off on a mission and the birds had gone to roost. You were bereft. It was oddly lonesome. After being with your boys so much, your bed almost felt too big without Ratbat. It was so quiet even with the television left on.

You fell out of bed at the sound of ice cracking off your window.

"'Ey, anyone home?" Rumble was whispering for perhaps the first time in his life.

You bounced to your feet and into the living room, comforter whipped around your shoulders like a cape.

Oh, goodness.

Rumble was hanging through the window from the waist up. He was grinning like a dope. There was a small damp spot forming in the carpet from the snow melting off him. Frenzy's optics were smokey red through the glass pane above his brother.

"Having some trouble?" You didn't want to laugh at him, but you did it anyway.

"Nah, I got it." He braced himself on the frame and shoved. He hit the floor with a sound like a fridge falling over. It rattled the plate on the table.

Frenzy came in feet first, landing on top of his brothers.

Rumble vented hard. "Get off me, aft-face."

Frenzy stepped off jauntily. "What's wrong; don't like being a welcome mat?"

Despite the usual bickering, the boys were cheerful. They both had wide smiles and relaxed frames. Rumble's optics were dim and Frenzy's overbright. When Frenzy pulled his brother to his feet they stayed close, leaning on each other.

"What's gotten into you two?"

"A lot of high grade!" Frenzy's voice was higher than Rumble's normally, but it was even more so now. He chirped.

"Excuse me? What's high grade?" You had heard about it before, but couldn't quiet recall. Ratbat had referenced it once?

The boys exchanged looks. Rumble tapped his chin in thought. "You humans have something like it. Comes in brown bottles, gets ya real silly."

_They were drunk._

Frenzy clapped, startling Rumble. "Do you got any? You can get overcharged with us!"

The boys looked so excited at the idea. You were were assaulted by a wave of pleas 'c'mon it'll be fun!' and 'we'll teach you some drinkin' songs!'.

You rolled your eyes good naturedly. Raoul had traded you a thing of box wine in exchange for a birthday cake for a friend. "Alright, don't badger me."

You went find it in the kitchen and hoped the boys weren't up to too much trouble while left alone. Quiet Decepticons were never a good sign. Your wine was stuck behind the coffeemaker and there were several holes in the top. Ratbat, probably. You stuffed a straw through one.

When you returned the sight was kind of cute. Rumble and Frenzy had both chosen to lounge on the same side of the couch, smushed together shoulder to shoulder. They had a cube of bright glowing liquid in soft pastel pink. Frenzy took a sip before passing it to his twin with a joke in clicking cybertronian. They took a moment to notice you.

"Babe!" Rumble rocked up into sitting position, making Frenzy slide down with a grumble. He patted his lap. "C'mon an' take a seat."

Wasn't he friendly. You sat on the opposite end of the couch instead.

Frenzy regarded you as he pushed himself up. "Finally started drinkin' out of cubes like a normal person?"

You slurped from it. "Nope. There's actually a plastic bag inside. It might be leaking though."

The cardboard was troublingly moist.

He made a noise through his vents that sounded something like a snorting laugh. "Too bad. Though you humans were finally learning."

The three of you sat in companionable silence as you tried to meet them in drunkenness.

"So where did you guys get that stuff?" You pointed with your straw.

Frenzy swiped the glass from his brother and held it aloft. "We stole it from Skywarp as payback to that turbo-rat with wings for decidin' it was a good idea to leave us in the middle of the desert. We cleaned his place out. Got rid of most of his things, but this was worth keeping."

Rumble snagged it back. "Say what you want about Vosians, but they can brew mean high grade."

"To Vos," Frenzy laughed, "May it someday quit burning!"

"Vos?" You tilted your head curiously, then overcorrected to the other side when the world slid.

Rumble swallowed his drink, "Was the seeker's flying citystate back before the war."

"Keyword is  _was_." Frenzy grimaced. "The Autobots shot it outta the sky. Reports are it's still burning from the fuel that kept it up for so long."

"Christ." You thought about the Autobot you met at the state fair once. "They blew up a whole city."

"It was already evacuated. I think they just did it out of spite for Praxus."

Rumble nodded in agreement.

Sometimes it was hard to remember how bleak cybertronians actually were. On Earth all that ever happened was the occasional scuffle at a power plant. Sure, there was danger. That didn't change the fact that more people died from shark attacks. Weekly.

You squinted at the twins in the semi-dark. The red of their visors seemed warm to you now, but once they had looked bloodthirsty. Those flat toothed mouths, alien with no variation, weren't always so friendly. Frenzy's arm was stretched across the back of the couch and his hand was more than big enough to crush the life out of you. Strong enough too.

Frenzy caught you staring. "Got a problem, squish?"

"No, I'm just thinking." You admitted. You took another sip. "Tell me about Cybertron."

Rumble's already dimmed optics fizzled for a moment. "What do you wanna know?"

"Anything you want to talk about." You curled in on yourself. Not out of fear, it was just cold. "Ravage and Laserbeak and Buzzsaw and Ratbat have  _all_  told me stories, but you two never had. I bet you've got some cool ones."

Appealing to vanity worked well on them. They exchanged a look and seemed to talk without words before turning back to you.

Rumble tapped his chin. "Hows about we tell you a story about Kaon. None of the others ever really spent much time there."

"Mostly cause it was a dank pit that nobody in their right processor would actually go to."

"Sounds lovely." You smiled. "Laserbeak said the same thing. Very bleak."

Frenzy waved in some vague way that came close to smacking his brother. "Beaky wouldn't know bleak if it bit him. He went down there what, five times tops?"

Rumble nodded. "We lived there. So if anyone's going to trash talk it it'll be us."

"I'll keep that in mind."

Frenzy, shockingly, patted you affectionately on the leg. "You better."

Rumble was ready to start his story. "So me and Frenz were constructed in Kaon. Miners. Everybody in Kaon was a miner, basically. Everybody lived in the same barracks and worked the same jobs and drank at the same bars that took mining credits."

"It was a total bite." Frenzy said solemnly.

"Yeah," Rumble sighed, "but what was worse is when a mine would close.

"So we'd been stationed at this one pit for a real long time. It was one of the biggest one, so everybody got rotated in and out at some point. I bet it's still just full of energon even now."

"You bet?"

Rumble shrugged. "Shockwave probably knows, but no one goes down there anymore. I don't really care anyway. If I ever set pede in a cybertronian mine again it'll be too soon."

Frenzy picked the story back up. "But the point is that this thing was still going to be in use for a couple more million years. It was one of Kaon's biggest shanix makers. So what does the Senate do?"

"They shut it down!" Rumble shouted, throwing his arms out dramatically.

"The came in one cycle and said we were all fired. They said it would be safer to have sparkless shells doing work. We all knew what is was really about. Apparently they had drones to do it for cheaper.  _They_  were a bunch of slag for processor drones.

"And of course they weren't just transferring us to a different location. Nope! We were all getting some unpaid time off.

"Now, anybody would be mad when they hear something like that. So some dumb aft decided to get in the senate rep's face about it. I don't blame him, but come on. Obviously, he got wrecked by some goons from Iacon."

"I thought he got shot?" Frenzy asked mid-sip of high grade.

Rumble rolled his whole helm as if he was rolling his eyes. "I got the footage saved somewhere, but that's not really the point. The point is that we all watched this mech get the lubricant beat out of him."

Frenzy smiled wickedly, "But it was right about then that we all realized something important."

"We outnumbered them about five hundred to one."

"Right then one mech absolutely slams a pick axe into the senator. Like throws it so hard you can see it poking out the other side. This was the cue to just go wild. We tore that place apart. It's a surprise it didn't go up in smoke considering the blaster fire so close to open energon veins."

Rumble laughed, shaking his head. "'Course we all got arrested for it."

Frenzy looked thrilled at the memory, "It was worth it though. That ride to the detention center is when we got to meet the mech who tossed the axe. Megatron."

"As in?" You pointed at the logo on his chest.

"The one an' only." Rumble sounded reverent. It would be cute if it wasn't being directed towards a warlord.

Frenzy made a motion shockingly similar to jerking off as his brother went starry eyed over their commander. "None of us wanted to get melted for scrap though. Not even Megatron in one of his moods. We pointed out that maybe we shouldn't wait around to die and he agreed we had a point. So Megatron stood up and he just-"

Rumble shoved himself in front of his brother. He had to take over. "He used the Voice. You've never heard it and I don't think he does it in human languages, but in cybertronian he's just got this way of talking that makes you listen. He said that the senate didn't own us anymore than other mining companies and we shouldn't get punished for sticking up for ourselves."

Frenzy nodded, "So we hijacked the ship and flew to back to Kaon and became gladiators."

You blinked. "Gladiators."

The twins beamed at each other. "Oh, we gotta tell you about that."

Once they got going the boys were full of stories. Most of which were even believable. They got into it, too. Frenzy insisted on doing sound effects for fights they had and Rumble actually knew quite a few choice bits of dialogue by heart. Much like the others their stories weren't always very happy. They had always been the little guys. Still, they were proud of what they had accomplished after coming up from nothing. Their smiles were contagious.

At the same time, even the best drinks couldn't drown out every less than pleasant thing. You scooched closer when you remembered than drinking didn't actually make you warmer, it just tricked you into thinking you were. You weren't the only unlucky one. Frenzy had been right in the middle of some dramatic monologue when his arm made the most distressing clicking noise and his hand promptly stopped moving.

The three of you looked at his arm, puzzled, before he realized what was wrong.

"I'm going to offline Hook." He declared, flopping backwards against his brother with a clang. "I'm going to offline him and then the Constructicons will never be able to form Devastator again so they'll offline me but it'll be worth it."

"Told you that you shouldn't get the upgrade, but did you listen? No!" Rumble snorted. He caught you looking. "We used to both have pile drivers that we were built with, but Numb Nobes over here got his swapped for drills because he thought they'd make better close combat weapons. We already get sent on nearly every mission, it's not like they're going to get him sent on any more."

Frenzy growled, fiddling with his wrist with his working hand. "Hook doesn't know nothing about working on minicons and thought that he could just one for one it like he was working on some fragging carformer."

Rumble shook his head, "Lemme see it."

Surprisingly despite their bickering Frenzy held out his bad arm for Rumble's inspection. Rumble wasn't satisfied, "No, let me  _see_  it."

Transformation was a sight to behold. The smooth switch of each panel and cog into a new form was pretty if even if you only ever saw it when someone was about to be threatened. This was not quite that.

Frenzy's arm opened, seams splitting and uncoiling into something that was certainly still the shape of a limb, but not wholly recognizable as an arm. It looked peeled. You could see right through it. Several cords connected to nothing at all.

"Bro, how could you not feel those ripping out?"

"I don't know, maybe because we're all totally smashed?"

Rumble opened his mouth but then closed it, conceding that point. "Here, I think I can reattach them."

Rumble was careful when he reached into his twins arm, carefully pinching thin lines to keep them out of the way as he found where they were meant to attach.

"I didn't know you knew how to do this kind of stuff?" You peered into the abstract sculpture that now made up Frenzy. Sure putting robots back together might be easier, but you couldn't suture a wound.

Rumble laughed. "Before we met the boss we did all each others repairs. We didn't do 'em  _well_ , but we did them. Shockwave nearly collapsed when he saw some of the mods we tried to give ourselves."

Frenzy squirmed, trying to look too, and got a swift yank to sensitive circuitry for his trouble. He yelped. "What the pit?"

"I'm way to overcharged to be doing this in the first place and if you don't hold still I'll end up putting 'em in the wrong port."

Frenzy stuck his tongue out. "Ew."

"It know." Rumble flicked his gaze over to you and you were washed in the red of his optics. He used his free hand to grab yours. "Hey, babe, hold this for me real quick."

Rumble tucked your hands into the complicated framework of Frenzy's arm. The previously twitching machinery went still under your fingers. A thick line of glowing pink draped across your palm and you could feel it - warm as drawn blood.

Frenzy looked murderous. "What the slag are you doing?"

"This way you gotta hold still." Rumble shrugged and happily got back to work rewiring his brother.

Frenzy glowered, but accepted the intrusion. His annoyance wasn't directed at you. He even shot you a look, 'can you believe this guy?'

With Frenzy well restrained it didn't take long for Rumble to finish the repairs. Rumble guided you out, which was good. Much longer in that furnace and you'd start sweating.

"Try it."

Frenzy's arm whirred to life and snapped back into it's appropriate shape. He cracked his knuckles. "Much better. Thanks."

Rumble beamed, pleased with his drunken surgery. "No prob."

You watched curiously as Frenzy rotated his hand in a full three sixty. "That was pretty cool."

Rumble lit up under the compliments. "Course it was, babe, I did it. C'mere."

One of these days you'd stop your friends from dragging you. It was not today. He leaned across his brother to catch you under the armpits and pull you into his lap, laughing all the while.

"Keep your human squish to yourself, mech." Frenzy cringed as your legs landed across him.

Rumble grinned meanly, "You probably have human oil in your internals right now."

Frenzy was aghast.

You covered your face. "You guys are such pricks."

You felt a big hand pet you on the head. Opening your eyes told you it was Frenzy. "Common, sweetspark, we're only teasing. You're pretty okay for an organic."

"High praise, bro." Rumble snickered.

"Don't get used to it."

You weren't going to, but this actually wasn't too bad. The twins were ungiving metal, but you were used to cuddling with that after so much of Ratbat. It was almost cozy curled up in their arms. Their chests thrummed and radiated heat.

Maybe it was just the wine talking. Who could say? You drifted off wondering.

* * *

You expected to wake up alone the next morning. You did not.

Rumble and Frenzy had stopped cuddling at some point overnight or early morning, instead opting to hang out on opposite sides of the couch, but they were there. You ended up snug between them in the dip formed by their heavy bodies on your abused couch. Someone had draped your comforter back over you.

Rumble was still asleep, but Frenzy was watching TV. Considerate for once, the volume was turned low.

You made eye contact. He made a shushing motion. Apparently you were to let Rumble rest a little longer.

There were certainly less comfortable places to be.


	8. Track 8

It was not the war-torn hell-scape of Cybertron, but it was also no Autobot City.

People in your neighborhood didn't like talking to cops. Problems worked themselves out just fine between friends without police intervention. There were more than the usual numbers shady characters on this side of town; that didn't necessarily mean that anyone was making trouble. It was that old concept of not shitting where one eats. People didn't want to bring their problems back home to their kids. That alone made them more invested in being good to each other than any Neighborhood Watch could. Sure you shouldn't go jogging at midnight, but that would be true anywhere.

People's mind-your-own-business attitude meant that you could routinely have six interstellar soldiers over without comment.

Sadly, when things did go wrong you had to handle things yourself. At least you had some good friends willing to lend a hand.

* * *

"Raoul's at the door!" Ratbat had a pout in his voice whenever he was forced to confront the fact that you made friends outside his little cohort.

"One second!" You called back. You were already running late. Buzzsaw had spotted a concerning red stain on your shirt moments before it was time to go and you were frantic to find something better. You snuck around him. He had made himself into a blanket burrito that took up everything between the couch and far wall.

You hobbled there with one shoe on and the other off. When you twisted the doorknob it did not budge. "Raoul?"

"Girlie, you really do not want to open this door." It was cheap plywood you could punch through in a pinch and his voice was clear.

"Why?" You tried the knob again, only to realize from the lack of jiggle that he was holding it still. Ratbat, ready to assist so long as it was you, landed on your shoulders. The two of you leaned in to shove.

"Remember when that sleazebag kept leaving roadkill outside Carlotta in 2B's place?" Raoul laughed a little breathlessly.

You paused in your struggle. "Yeah?"

"Somebody left a pigeon on yours."

And then the door gave out.

You just barely managed to highstep over the fowl lump just outside your doorstep, but overshot and barreled into Raoul. Ratbat's scrambled to cling round your neck and choked you into seeing stars.

Thankfully, Raoul was almost frighteningly strong from his mechanics job. He saved you for the second time in one morning, snaking one arm around your waist and twisting you into a floor-brushing dip.

Ratbat did hit the carpet with a thump.

"Thanks." You gasped.

Raoul smiled all easy-does-it as he helped you back to your feet. "No problem."

Ratbat whimpered a static burst and you pulled him up to your chest.

"Anyway." Raoul grimaced and jerked a thumb towards the mess. "There's that."

Just as he claimed, there was a whole pigeon sitting on just outside your door. Belly down, you couldn't see what was wrong with it, but the rusty stink it the hall paired with the dampness of the carpet said enough. It's feathers were bent in a way that made it look lightly gnawed on.

"Jesus."

Raoul patted your arm. "I said the same thing."

Ratbat flared over you like overzealous shoulder pads his wings to keep Raoul's hands away. "Who would do something like this?"

"I don't know, man." Raoul determinedly shoved his hand underneath Ratbat to continue comforting you. "We got some real freaks around here."

"Should we tell the Super?" You wondered.

"Didn't do much for Carlotta."

He was right.

Fuck.

"Please help me clean this up?"

He grimaced, but agreed, "Sure, no pr-"

"Of course!" Ratbat hugged you tight.

That was fine. You needed all the help you could get.

* * *

You had hoped to brush this off as one of the many strange and unpleasant things to occur while living in the city. Wouldn't be the first time you saw some action. An afternoon with the twins was about on par with it if they were in particularly rowdy moods. Yeah this was a bit scary and it took some effort, but your aggressive attempts to forget what had happened earlier were successful for near a full twenty-four hours.

"So there's another one."

"Are you serious?" You leaned your forehead on the door.

"Another what?" Frenzy was doing god knew what in the kitchen and stuck his nose into your business. "Is that the dork from down the hall?"

Nothing was ever simple.

"Be polite, Raoul's a good friend." You confiscated the carton of eggs he was cradling; Frenzy didn't need those unsupervised. "Certainly better than whoever keeps leaving dead animals on my stoop."

"Yeah-" Frenzy paused mid-derisive snort, "Wait, what?"

* * *

Waking up to a pigeon on your doorstep once could be brushed off with enough effort, but two was not a coincidence. Not in this city. It was time to call a house meeting.

Thankfully, Frenzy was already way ahead of you there.

"Somebody's threatening you!" He snarled, pacing the tiny living room.

You waved a hand. "Not necessarily."

"Really?" He sneered, "They're leavin' you dead birds as a gift, huh?"

"Shut up! You'd be upset if someone was trying to scare you, too," Ratbat hissed, then snuggled under your chin with a soft coo, "It's okay, I won't let anyone ever hurt you! We'll deal with whoever it is  _together_."

Rumble had pulled off one of the little winglet-esque guns he kept on his back. He was inspecting it with a critical eye. "We're gonna have to kill them."

Ratbat, in a rare display of cassette solidarity, nodded. "But how are we going to do it?"

"Escalating the situation, much?" You pulled him into a tight hug, fingers tracing his Decepticon logo. "You guys are getting ahead of yourselves. I was just hoping you'd keep an eye out. If you see anything strange going on, say something."

"Oh, they'll be the one's sayin' something!" Frenzy whipped around, nearly clipping lamp. "They'll be saying their prayers by the time I get through with them."

The fire in his optics was admirable, but you'd really rather not explain to your landlord why there was a new hole in the wall.

"Your concern is appreciated, but how about we just focus on figuring out who's doing it? Maybe call the others to see if they noticed anything?" You stood up, grabbing his one of his big hands between two of yours. "Then we can work on making them stop."

He shook you off, but acquiesced. "Fine. It's your stalker I guess. But I'm telling you now, whatever insect's got the struts to come up to my habsuite and start making trouble better be able put his shanix where his mouth is."

This was not his apartment, but it wasn't a perfect time to point that out. "Fair enough."

He suddenly flopped onto the couch and the whole room shook. "This reminds me of that creep who was always followin' the boss around back in the day."

"Tarn?" Rumble had gotten caught halfway under his brother and was struggling to get out.

Frenzy slid off his twin on the the cushion, leaving you with barely enough room to perch on the armrest. "Nah, that other one. The real cuckoo. Got religious and disappeared?"

"Deadlock!" Rumble snapped his fingers. He placed a heavy hand on your head, "Babe, if anybody comes at you swinging a sword, run."

Useful advice, but it felt like common sense.

At least this would be over soon. Some rando creep was no match for walking weapons. Soon you could get back to watching soaps with Laserbeak and Buzzsaw instead of trying to convince Rumble to put his weapons away inside the house.

* * *

When you got home from work the next morning you found the twins crouching in the hallway.

The one  _outside_  your apartment.

"Are you guys trying to end up on the front page of the  _National Enquirer_?"

Frenzy, who on his knees was easily level with your chest, cocked his head. "Depends on what that is?"

"It's a supermarket magazine famous for featuring only the weirdest stories. Like Decepticons in rent-controlled apartments." You sighed, looking down the hall. There were no Peeping Toms watching the duo work, but anyone could be watching through their spy-hole. "What are you up to?"

Rumble beamed, the picture of pride. He was holding up a bundle of strange wires connected to a red sphere, dangling like a dead octopus. "We're gonna catch the dirty slagger threatening you."

Frenzy lifted your welcome mat to reveal where they had already woven some strange mass of cables. "Anyone puts anything on this and bam!" He smacked the mat against the wall.

"I'd rather no one gets bammed." You protested.

Frenzy laughed. "It's just a trap. An energy cage will pop out around whoever triggers it. If we're gonna kill 'em we want to do it personal-like."

"So don't worry your pretty helm, okay doll?" Rumble patted your hip. You hoped he didn't get floor dirt on your nice clothes.

"If you say so." You rubbed your face. "Can we go in now?"

They agreed to that, popping into standing position.

"Watch your step." Rumble waved you inside in what he probably felt was a very gallant manner.

"Thanks." You gave the trap a wide berth.

Ratbat was on you immediately. "The twins built a bomb!"

Frenzy slapped at him, but not too hard given the little mech had already landed in your arms. "It ain't a bomb! We wouldn't be sticking around if it was."

Ratbat sneered. "Yes, you would. You'd want to see your handiwork."

You smushed his face into your chest. "No, they wouldn't. The boys aren't going to build any bombs because they know that they'd get in a lot of trouble if they did."

You stared deeply into Frenzy's optics. He smirked.

Ratbat didn't move from his newest cuddle post, but he growled in a way you would have expected from Ravage. "I still don't trust it."

Rumble strolled into the apartment and shut the door, shoulder checking you as he made his way to the living room. "You don't have to trust it, energon-breath. Just have to sit back and let the magic happen.

Their confidence was alarming.

As it was, the twins had set up their game and the only option was to wait it out. You left them to puff themselves up as Ratbat helped you cook dinner.

The mechanimal was withdrawn.

"I'm sure they didn't make a bomb, honey." You caught the thumb-like hooks on the edge of his wing like holding hands.

"It's not that," Ratbat frowned. "Well it is because they're dumb and would. I-"

He didn't continue.

"Batty?"

The little mech's face screwed up. "I don't like that someone's been harassing you for days and we haven't done anything about it!"

"Hey," You scooped him into your arms and let him bury his face in your neck. "Something's getting done right now!"

He was muffled. "But it could have been too late!"

You cocked your head.

"Anyone could hurt you any time and we couldn't do anything about it. You're human and squishy and too nice and what if someone worse than Rumble or Frenzy decided to hurt you? What if  _they_  did?"

You stroked the length of his spine down to his nubby bat tail. "Oh, sweetheart, it's alright. Nobody's out to get me. The twins certainly aren't."

"You don't know that!"

You thought of Rumble holding you like teddy bear. "Yes. I do."

"I don't." Ratbat muttered.

You pressed him close, cheek on his head. "I promise that everything will be okay."

That's what you'd been telling yourself since Laserbeak crashed into your life. It hadn't been wrong yet.

You awoke the next morning to a commotion.

"You idiots! Can't you do anything right?"

There was a thud that sounded like a frying pan hitting the wall. You rolled out of bed and bounded to the hall.

Ratbat lay in a crumpled heap on the floor, wings twitching. Frenzy was standing over him baring his teeth so hard you could see gums. Rumble was halfway out the door talking to someone.

"What's going on here?" You squatted to scoop Ratbat out of Frenzy's range and popped back up beside Rumble.

"Hi, miss!"

"Good morning, Rafael."

He was grinning so brightly for six in the morning. Especially considering he was trapped at the ankle in a glowing pink bubble. His leg was suspended halfway up and he was balancing on one foot like a champ. He shoved a hand in the force-field and it passed harmlessly through.

"Rumble. Frenzy. What happened?"

Rumble, careful to avoid the bubble himself, poked Raf in the arm. When the boy wobbled he took it as safe to pick him up. Raf's shoe popped off and fell to the floor as he was freed.

It lit up red and blue along the sole's edge.

Frenzy came up behind you. "Bro, which force-field did we use?"

Rumble opened his mouth to reply then clamped it shut.

"You lunk-head's used the circuit sensitive energy cage." Ratbat was still limp in your arms, but he was menacing.

They glared at him, but Frenzy cracked a smile. Rumble followed suit, snickering. Rafael wiggled out of Rumble's arms as the two Decepticon fell into each other cackling.

"This is just like the time-"

"-Screamer and that-"

"-On Tyger Pax!"

You couldn't make heads or tails of it, mostly because it was heavily interspersed with clicking Cybertronian, but they clearly had some inside joke the rest of you weren't privy to.

While they laughed themselves silly, you retrieved Rafael's missing sneaker from the mess it had fallen into. That was distinctly not a dead bird.

"Someone left you flowers!" Raf oh-ed as he hunkered down to snapped the velcro straps into place.

"Roses." You agreed.

"What are those?" Ratbat pulled one flower from its collection to sniff.

"Their a type of plant. People usually give them to someone they love." You poked at the bouquet to see if it would combust. "I guess whoever it left them was sorry about the pigeons."

Raf stood back up. "What pigeons?"

"Ask Raoul." It just popped out.

"Ask me what?"

The twins sobered as Raoul cut down the hall to meet you. He surveyed the drama. "What's going on here? Raf, you're going to miss the bus."

His eyes goggled behind his glasses. "Bye Rumble, bye Frenzy! See you later, everyone!"

He hurried away into the safety of the outside world.

"What's going on here?" Raoul stood with his hands on his hips.

"Nothing." Frenzy growled.

"We got it under control." Rumble glared.

"Sure." Raoul turned to you. "What's going on here?"

You squeezed Ratbat, because he had started hissing something. "Whoever's been creeping around here left me flowers today."

He grabbed the bouquet, wringing the stems like a neck as water drippled out. They were fresh cut. "I thought you dorks said you were handling it yesterday."

Frenzy bristled, optics flashing furiously. "Who are you calling-"

"When did you talk to them?" You offered a rose to Ratbat, who had been grasping towards them. He stuffed it in his mouth.

"They were making a commotion in the hall yesterday night." He sighed, shaking his head in a long suffering way that made the boys steam with rage. "Talking about how they were going to maul whoever's been messing with their gal."

"Listen here-" Rumble jabbed Raoul in the chest and promptly got his hand slapped.

"No, you listen." Raoul's eyes could flash just as righteously as theirs. "I gave you a chance to take care of things your way and you caught  _Raf_. I'm not sitting around with some sleaze is prowling on the people I live with."

Raoul marched into your home.

"Excuse me?" You waved at him.

"Call in sick. We're staying up tonight to catch a predator."

* * *

Raoul was a compelling man, but he was lucky you already had the day off. You dragged your blankets into the living room in a shoddy recreation of the birds' nest as he set up base camp in your apartment.

The twins were less than thrilled to have someone encroaching on their territory. They sulked and grouched as he opined on good ways to corral whoever or whatever, he sent them a meaningful look, was after you.

"And just what," Rumble pushed off the wall he'd been sulkily leaning on, "Are you implyin'?"

Raoul raised his eyebrows, unimpressed by the mech looming a head taller than him. "All I'm saying is that it's a little suspicious that you thought a trap set to catch robots would work."

"You think we-" Frenzy's voice echoed with rage and rattled your eardrums.

"-Might be behind all this trying to play the hero." Raoul smiled like he hadn't just insulted two Decepticons to their faces.

You threw yourself across him as a human shield. With the way his drill snapped into place it was the only thing keeping Frenzy from lunging. "Can you please grow up? All of you?"

"Us-?" Rumble and Frenzy spoke as one.

"Please don't take the bait!" You twisted to address the man who you still clung to like a vine. "And you shouldn't be saying stuff like that in the first place. They've been perfectly decent and you're just trying to get a rise out of them because you think it's funny."

You disengaged from your forceful restraint but you still stood stiffly between them.

It was Rumble who capitulated first, breaking their stand-off. "Frag it. 'S not like I care what some organic thinks I do or don't do."

Even as he claimed that, he made sure to catch your elbow and pull you down next to him as he dropped onto the couch.

So it went, watching television and trying to defuse almost fights between the easily offended cassettes and the man who hated them.

It wasn't until later into that night that Raoul finally set out his own trap. It was lower tech than the twins'.

"Is that piano wire?" You had swapped into fresh pajamas after a shower that the boys and Raoul had apparently spent in awkward silence. Raoul had popped over to his apartment to get supplies.

"Sure is." He was laying it in long lines from the baseboard across the hall and under your door. "They killed Jaws with this."

You started to speak, but it was Ratbat, crouched at your feet like a tiny chaperone, who squeaked, "No they didn't! They blew him up with an oxygen tank!"

"Eh." Raoul shrugged as if it was the same.

Ratbat dragged a wingtip across his face. "It's not-"

"-Going to work." Rumble interrupted.

Would they ever start speaking in turn? Was it some kind of threatened masculinity response that they had been talking over each other since Raoul arrived? Was that even a thing for aliens?

"You don't even know how it's supposed to work." Raoul smiled.

"I don't need to. I've had enough human's trying to net us to know your stuff never works."

"We'll see." Raoul was confident in a natural way. He ruffled your hair as he passed by back into the apartment. Ratbat gawked.

Raoul didn't go far though. He dropped down to the floor in the front entry, taping down the wire so they stood taut.

He did not get up. Patting the spot next to him, he offered, "Take a load off, girlie. It's time to wait."

Rumble scoffed. "Waiting's been all you've done today."

Raoul raised an eyebrow. "Did you expect me to go out sleuthing to see who did it, Watson?"

"Maybe after the way you complained about our idea! You're just ripping us off and acting like it's new."

Raoul smiled as you settled next to him, unbothered by how Ratbat clambering into your lap. "What precisely do you think I'm doing?"

"Tripwire, duh." Frenzy plopped down next to you so close your arms touched.

"That's where you're wrong, Fren-zee." He dragged the mech's name out just to grind his gears. "It's a pressure gauge. We're going to stay right here and wait until who or whatever's been coming by arrives. As soon as he does we beat his ass."

He punched his fist for emphasis.

"My hero." You leaned against him.

Rumble joined the party, across from Frenzy so that he could sprawl out a little. It was cramped in the tiny landing and with his legs stretched you and Frenzy ended up using him as an armrest.

"So," Raoul said, "I've been wondering what a bunch of alien terrorist want with a random human."

"Raoul." You complained. Did he always have to goad people?

Ratbat lifted his chin. "That's none of your business."

"Nah, shut up, Batty." Rumble straightened up from his strange lounge. "You really wanna know?"

"I wouldn't of asked if I didn't."

"It ain't every day I meet someone with the bearings to play nice with Decepticons. Most of you just cry and beg. All whining for your life like I was going to slag you just to have to clean guts off my piledrivers after.

"Turns out y'all can be okay when you can keep your processor." Rumble seemed to realize he had been almost fond, but he snorted. "For an organic."

Ratbat rolled his eyes. "Ignore them. They're dumb."

"Hey!"

"Okay, fine." He spread his wings like others would hold up their hands in acquiesce. "They pretend to be dumb.

"We come back here because it's better than hanging around the Nemesis to get stepped on by a bunch of mechs who recharge, refuel, and vent fighting. It's nice and happy and calm here compared to there.

"Which is why we're never going to let anybody," He stared dead at Raoul. "Mess it up."

You could feel him running hotter as he became emotional.

"I love you too." You kissed him on the head and nearly got poked in the mouth by his ears as they perked.

"So," Raoul coughed into his hand to break the atmosphere. "Any of you know how to play poker?"

As it turned out they did, or at least something similar. Apparently some strange chimera of a card came had evolved among the Decepticons since their arrival on earth, a mix between poker and several different gambling games from the ex-citystate of Praxus.

It also turned out to be a bad idea to play a card game against robots with supercomputer brains. They could card-count like Vegas fraudsters. Ratbat had a poker face that was mostly rooted in the fact he had more of a snout than anything else.

You could only imagine what champs the birds must be.

You were curled around Ratbat, having long since lost this round when Raoul held up a hand. The room went still.

Following his eyes you watched one of the piano wires compress to the floor.

Quicker than even superpowered mechs, Raoul sprang to his feet and slammed open the door hard enough it bounced off the wall. His ripped the stun gun from his belt like he was trying to pull start a lawnmower.

Whatever had been plaguing you didn't wait to be shot, tearing down the hall with thudding so fast the air cracked with it.

Even as Raoul took off after it Rumble and Frenzy were right behind, dragging out every weapon they could carry at once.

"Fuck." You mumbled in their wake.

Ratbat flickered his eyes up to you. "We should probably go too."

And it had been such a quiet evening.

He opened his wings and launched into the air as you trotted after then at a more reasonable pace. The ruckus they made ensured you didn't lose them. God, you hoped this didn't wake anyone. No lights came on as you followed them to the stairwell around the corner and you took it as a good sign.

It didn't take long to reach them. They were making now that they had cornered their prey. They were only a floor below you; Frenzy had vaulted the rail to cut him off.

"Ravage?" Your voice cut through the hissing and growling and swearing.

Yes, it was your cat. It kind of made sense.

"It isn't what you think." His voice was low. He had a half-crushed heart-shaped box of chocolates in his mouth.

"You're such a complete cog-head!" Frenzy was screeching. "And you say we don't know how to act around humans."

"I was not aware that pigeons would be taken differently," He spit out his candy, "Than the other dead animals humans cook."

Raoul laughed helplessly. "Oh my god, is this another one of yours? Trying to play provider, kitty?"

Ravage's ears twitched back.

Who else would think dead birds were a good gift, but a cat.

"Ravage." You sighed. At least no one was trying to kill you.

"I-" He swung his head around to snap at Frenzy, who had been approaching with a murderous look on his face. "Was attempting to make amends since then. Buzzsaw informed me that you were upset. It was to my understanding human femmes enjoyed flowers."

"Not from serial killer pet-mutilators, buddy." Raoul had dropped his stun gun to his side in relief that he wouldn't actually have to use it.

"I was hunting! On Cybertron it would have been a sign of affection!"

"Maybe in Eukaris." Rumble sneered. He turned to his brother with a barking laugh. "Ravage has a  _crush_."

Ravage's ears flattened completely to his skull. He didn't respond.

"Oh, sweetheart." You slipped between Rumble and Raoul, walking down the stairs on shaky legs to reach him. "You could have just said you wanted to do something nice for me."

"I thought this would be more meaningful." He looked away from you.

Squatting down did not put you on eye level with the mechanimal. He was too tall. It was still better than being above him. "Ravage. Look at me."

He did, but his tail was sagging to the floor.

"I appreciate the gesture. I know you meant well. How about we count this as a learning experience?" You cupped his smooth muzzle in your hands.

"That sounds," He vented hard, "Amendable."

To seal the deal, and before you could think better of it, you kissed him right on the mouth.

Kissing Ravage was different from kissing Buzzsaw in that he actually had a mammalian mouth. It was a feline one, sure, but he had a discernible arrangement of lips. Your nose was pushed up so with the flat plain of his face, but you could feel the idle of his engine jump as you did it.

When you pulled away you turned to address the company behind you. It was hard not to giggle.

Raoul was way ahead of you on that front, bent over in silent laughter at the absurd situation. Frenzy and Rumble looked baffled and just a tad intrigued in the latter case. Ratbat was horrified.

"Don't kiss him! He's been tormenting you!" Ratbat's voice bounced in the concrete tower.

"It was an accident. I forgive him." You'd forgiven Frenzy for intentionally threatening you, this was already on its way to dealt with.

Ratbat mouth was gaped like he thought you had finally lost it

Raoul was using the wall for support. "If she wants to be like that let her. He's a talking cat. She should just be glad he wasn't leaving them on her pillowcase!"

He gasped for air even as he broke down laughing again.

You rubbed the back of your head. All this over Ravage trying to be friendly. "So no hard feelings?"

"About this wild goose chase?" Raoul grinned, the smile lighting up his handsome face. "No way. But I'm warning you, I'm telling  _everybody_  about this."

"If you have to."

"Oh I do."

Ravage looked between the twins. "And you two?"

Frenzy still didn't look thrilled. Rumble on the other hand, "Oh this is gonna be blackmail for a long, long time."


	9. Track 9

Spring came to the city without much fanfare. The frost thawed in its time and only briefly left everyone's eyes glued to the sky worrying about falling icicles. A few window boxes had their early bloomers, but the city was concrete and rebar. At least the dirty slush finally melted.

* * *

 

"Hi, miss! Are the cassettes in?" Rafael bounced through the door.

"Do you want them to come out and play?"

"No, Raoul said I'm not allowed. I'm only supposed to play with them while you're babysitting." He gave you a wearier look than should come from such a little face. Then there was a horrific crash from the living room and he perked right up. "They are here!"

"Aren't they always?" Judging by the lack of subsequent screaming you suspected it was just the twins tussling. Nothing to be over concerned about. "Come on in, honey. What do you want to see them for?"

Raf wiped his galoshes on your welcome mat. "In art class the teacher showed us how to make cut out hearts for Valentine's Day, so I made everyone in the building cards!"

The whole place? That was a lot of cards. Where did he get all that paper?

You didn't hesitate to scoop him into a hug that pulled him off his feet. "Raf, that's the sweetest thing I've heard all day!"

He laughed, accepting the hug and compliments graciously. "Thank you! Do you think they'll like it?"

You set him back on his feet and straightened up. "I'm not sure if they'll even know what Valentine's Day is, but I'm positive they'll adore it either way."

Hand in hand you went to deliver Raf's blessings.

You're getting pretty adept at telling what the gang is up to based off of their noise level. As predicted, Rumble and Frenzy were an awkward tangle of squeezed his twin in a choke hold while Rumble hooked his hands under the edge of Frenzy's helmet with the intention of giving it a good yank. However, they had quickly gotten distracted by the soccer game on TV and were now sitting on the floor apparently quite comfortable.

Laserbeak looked on in disgust, but Buzzsaw was radiating amusement at his sillier teammates. Ravage was taking over the seats the twins had abandoned. Ratbat perched on the top of the television and hung over the edge, watching the show upside down.

"Fellas, we have a visitor."

"Raf!" Rumble sprang to his feet, bringing Frenzy with him. "What's up, mech?"

You had to block them like a pair of over-excited St. Bernards to keep them from squashing Raf. "Raf is just dropping by to-"

Frenzy hoisted you around the waist. "Aye, kid, how are ya?"

"I'm good!" He let Rumble ruffle his hair. Whipping his backpack around to dig around. With great flourish, he produced a handful of construction-paper hearts. "Happy Valentine's Day!"

The gears in their head were turning. Frenzy let you back to your feet.

"I suspect we need some elaboration." Ravage slunk into the group to give Raf a nudge. "What precisely is a Valentine's Day?"

"It's a holiday where humans give cards to their friends!" He fanned out his cards like a poker hand. "And everyone's parents go on dates."

"You-" Buzzsaw tilted his head. "Brought us some of these friendship-cards?"

"Yeah!" Raoul held one out to him. "This one's yours."

Buzzsaw leaned forward to gently take the card in his beak. "Thank you."

"You're welcome!"

The cassettes were subdued when they took their gifts. Rumble and Frenzy compared them, crayola-bright versions of their armor's red and blue and absolutely loaded with stickers.

"What's-" Rumble brightened his optics trying to understand what he was seeing.

"I drew you and Frenzy because you guys love each other!"

Rumble's mouth slammed shut. Frenzy spoke instead, "It's good stuff kid."

"Thanks! And I drew Laserbeak and Buzzsaw! And Ratbat and-" The way he rattled off the names made it apparent he'd drawn everyone with the person he assumed to be their best friend.

You gave him a tight hug. "They're lovely."

Raf beamed, "I'm glad you guys like it. I've got to go give everyone else their cards, but I'll see you later."

The little boy gave you a last jaunty wave and left with the same whirl of energy that he brought.

"Why didn't you tell us about this celebration?" Laserbeak turned accusingly.

"I didn't think you'd care much after you and Buzzsaw had that big debate on how much of a waste of time New Years was."

"It doesn't signify anything. You should be using the equinox, at least it has planetary implications."

"Plus," You waved your card in his face to shush him. "For grown ups it's more of a romance holiday. Like he said, everyone's parents go out on dates."

Ravage batted at Laserbeak. "That is understandable. Perhaps next time do let us know next time. Most of us would have brought gifts."

"Oh, you want to be my Valentine?" You patted him on the head as cut through the commotion to clambour onto the sofa.

Ratbat launched himself onto your chest in a landing that knocked the wind out of you. "I want to be your Valentine!"

"I can't say no to that cute face." You scratched him under the chin and he nuzzled into your hand. "Sorry, Rav, but the position is filled."

"Fair enough." He ambled back to his recently deserted place on the couch, much to the boys annoyance as their traditional place was usurped. "I'll have to pounce sooner next solar cycle."

"What's a Valentine?" Frenzy tried tugging Ravage off the couch and got clawed for his efforts.

"Your Valentine is a person you love. Observe:" You planted a kiss on Ratbat's nose. He followed your lips even after you pulled back. "My Valentine is sweet, darling Ratbat."

Frenzy scrunched up his face. "Gross."

* * *

 

When they felt inclined, cybertronians could be utterly immovable. Buzzsaw was heavy as an anvil and it made you wonder at how Laserbeak was ever possible for you to shove across the living room floor. Then again, he had been willing. Buzzer was just being obstinate.

"You don't need that; those are blue jeans. They aren't even soft!" You tugged at your clean laundry that was trapped under your bird's bulk.

He snapped his beak closed on the leg of your nearly freed pants. "They help with the structural integrity of the nest."

"No, it helps with the structural integrity of my outfits." You had to let go before it tore. "Give me the pants, Buzzsaw."

"I think not. They look better on the floor." He flicked his helm in Frenzy's direction. "Don't look at me like that; all I am saying is she looks better out of that hideous wardrobe."

Frenzy was lounging on the floor, long legs tucked under the coffee table. His head was leaned back against Buzzsaw's wing. "It's not uglier than any other armor humans wear."

You snagged a pair of panties from under Buzzsaw's wing. "It's called business casual, darling."

"Business casualty, perhaps."

You rolled your eyes.

"Even I will admit that was not my best joke."

You stroked the swan-length of his neck. "It's okay. No judgement here."

He didn't bob under the weight of your hands like Ratbat tended to. Buzzsaw took pride in his sturdiness, even when taking up half your couch.

"Could you please get off my clothes, though?"

"No, thank you. I don't think I will."

You let go of him. "Prick."

"Aye, birdie, she asked you to move it."

Frenzy hadn't bothered to face Buzzsaw while addressing him, but did loosely swat at him.

"And I said no." Buzzsaw spoke down to Frenzy.

"Yeah, well, she asked nice." Frenzy rapped his knuckles on Buzzsaw's side. "So stop being such a slagger and do what she tells you."

"Big words from the mech who tossed the remote control out the window two cycles ago because no one else wanted to watch his silly fighting show."

Frenzy's lips tightened into a line. For a second it looked like he'd sulk.

Then he slipped his hands under Buzzsaw's wing like a handle and flipped the bird over his head, slamming him to the floor. The impact made you bounce on the couch.

"Jesus, Frenzy!" You yelped and scrambled to help the stunned bird.

"What?" He asked, propping an arm up on the newly vacated couch cushion.

Buzzsaw's head wavered on his neck as you tried to help his flip back over. "I am going to offline you."

That was all the warning given before Buzzsaw's thrusters kicked on with a burst of flames that singed your carpet.

Frenzy had a longer reach that let him catch Buzzsaw before the bird hit. However, Buzzsaw was made of edges where the twins were a bit more boxy. He was thick plate-metal, but his beak was a razor. It caught on the upper edge of Frenzy's chest plate. The metal screamed as it began to tear.

Frenzy palmed Buzzsaw's skull like a baseball then crushed it against his own armor. The pressure made Buzzsaw's mouth pop open, freeing Frenzy to toss him to the floor. Again.

You scrabbled halfway over the coffee table to get out of their way. "Stop!"

Surprisingly, Frenzy listened. He pinned Buzzsaw with a foot on his back, but did not bear down.

Buzzsaw, frightening still, looked dead but for his coal eyes.

"Let him go."

Frenzy released Buzzsaw, though it visibly pained him to do so.

"I," Buzzsaw hissed through his vents, "Am leaving before I turn my weapons on what is technically my ally."

Turning with more dignity that someone recently used as a footstool normally had, the cyber-condor made his way to the window and took off.

Frenzy slouched back to the floor. You did not.

"What the hell was that?" You rubbed the bridge of your nose.

"Bird-brain wasn't listening to you when you were the good enforcer, so I was the bad one."

"What?"

Frenzy scowled, whatever the hell that was hadn't paid off for him. "Enforcer, cop- I don't know which words you humans use."

"But what were you trying to accomplish?"

Frenzy was reticent to answer, grinding his heel into the newly seared carpet.

"Well?"

"I was helping you!"

"By nearly tossing Buzzer through the floor?"

"You like it when Ratbat does it." Frenzy had gone from aggressive to pouting. "You guys always say that me and Rumble oughta be nicer to you. Now, I try and everyone gets all bent out of shape about it. When Ratbat does that kind of slag you act like he's cute."

"It's kind of different when Batty does it?"

"Is not!" Frenzy shoved his hand in your face. "Look at this! He bit right through my palm last mission."

"Frenzy," You grabbed his wrist and urged him to lower it until it rested in between you. "You're so much bigger and stronger than Ratbat or Buzzsaw or Laserbeak. Yeah, they can give you trouble, but you could snap their necks."

He straightened up. "'Course I could."

He was so proud of it. What were you going to do with them?

"That means you have to be careful with them."

Frenzy frowned. "C'mon, I'm not going to do it to someone really wimpy like you."

"Ratbat looks like he's made of paper-mache."

Frenzy groused, rubbing the back of his head. "I'll make it up to Buzzer, alright?"

"Frenz'" You watched him perk at the pet name. "I'm only ragging on you like this because I've seen that you can be nice. You're always good with Rafael."

"Yeah, yeah." He leaned back fully against the couch again, smiling loosely at you. "Well he's alright. Better than most o' the human's I've ever met."

"Well. I'm glad you like him. The point is that you can be a lot nicer than you usually let on. But maybe wait a little bit before telling Buzzsaw your sorry." You patted his knee.

"Sweetspark, Buzzsaw would peck my optics out if went back to the Nemesis right now. You're stuck with me."

* * *

 

"Rumble-"

Oh, no.

"Hey, babe." He waved cheerfully. From atop his shoulder's, Raf waved too.

"Hold still, tinman." Raoul watched with a face that heralded gray hairs.

"Why are you hanging out on the sidewalk?" You dropped your grocery bags to the cement.

"Ravage is watching his stories."

"So you're-"

Raf was king of the world up there. "He was showing me how his blaster works! It doesn't shoot bullets; it shoots lasers."

He spread his hands as if he was revealing an exciting secret.

"Rumble, please tell me you haven't been having target practice on an open street."

"I'm not a processorless moron. I only used it in the alley." He patted your head. "Don't worry so much."

You gaped at him.

Raoul sighed. "Close your mouth before you start catching lies. I babysat your Decepticon for you."

"Appreciated." You gulped. "Let's all go inside."

Several neighbor kids were looking on with curious eyes. You smiled at them. They ducked back out of sight.

"Will you kick Ravage off the TV for me?" Rumble looked hopeful.

"We can see if he's done with it."

Raoul tugged Raf off his perch.

"Raoul-"

"Low ceilings, kiddo." Plus, he left unsaid as he crept away from Rumble, this mech really isn't our problem. "And you have homework."

"Okay." Raf hung in Raoul's arms, feet swinging and shoes brightly flashing from where they knocked on Rumble's armor. "See you later!"

Rumble watched them take off, hands on his hips. Say what you wanted, but he could strike a power stance.

"You've had an exciting afternoon."

He slung an arm over your shoulder. "Sure did. Kids really are the best thing you organics came up with."

"Thank you?" You shrugged him off to pick up your groceries, on to have them snagged away.

"I got 'em."

"Thanks, again?"

Rumble beamed.

So the two of you meandered your way through the lobby, passed the sleeping man behind the desk. Rumble chattered.

"-We should get you a blaster. We ain't always around to watch your back. You'd need something tiny for your little-bitty hands, but maybe we could tell Hook that Ratbat wants one-"

Up the elevator.

"-If anyone did try something on you we'd pound 'em, but that'd be too late. Who's that 'Bot with the forcefield?"

And safely home.

"Rumble was playing in the street!" Ratbat informed you the moment you stepped inside. He was peering over the sofa and looking thunderous.

"I'm aware." You pointed to your oversized tagalong.

"Nobody cares, half-bat." Rumble stuck his tongue out.

"Not true," You gratefully moved the brown bags from Rumble's arms to the kitchen table. Even more happily, you accepted Ratbat into a hug once he flitted over. "Rumble, I know you meant well, but isn't there a big thing about you guys not wanting anyone to know you're here."

"Yes!  _Soundwave_ said we can't." Ratbat spat it like poison. You bounced him on your hip.

"Like you've ever given a solitary pile of slag what the boss thinks." Rumble flicked Ratbat's ear and the little mech was aghast. Rumble reverted his focus to you. "Anyway, you said we were supposed to start playing nice, right?"

* * *

 

Buzzsaw's eyes were so bright you could read by them. The bedside lamp was off and you were both half buried in a mountain of pillows, but it was warm and just light enough to make out the library book wedged between you.

"I only ever saw the Iaconian Academy after it was bombed out, but the gold detailing was very similar. To my understanding, the Prime who founded it wanted his paint job to be reflected in his school."

"I think the imperial Russian court just thought it was pretty."

"They were right." Buzzsaw didn't sound happy about it, but he never was. "I don't regret joining the Decepticons, but revolution always destroys the good with the bad."

 

"The baby with the bathwater," You agreed. "Want me to get a book on the French Revolution next time?"

"No." He spread a wing to cover you and the book. "I'm tired of reading about things I'll never see. Bring something about those chapels. Do you know the ones I'm speaking of?"

"The one's with the stained glass you were drooling over?"

He clucked low in his throat, "Precisely."

Book obscured, the two of you sunk further to the edge of sleep. Buzzsaw dimmed his eyes. However, something had been bothering you all day.

"Is it just me or has everyone been acting kind of weird, lately?"

His internal mechanisms hummed. "Are you referring to us?"

"Yeah, you guys have been-" Clingy? Friendlier than usual? "Weird."

"Don't fret over it." This wasn't even enough of a deal to relight his eyes. "We're just figuring out how to share you."

"Excuse me?"

"Laserbeak and I have a long history with Ravage. Sor us it's not so much trouble. The issue is that the twins only ever share between each other and Ratbat is loathe to let anyone else have anything of his."

"I mean- What?" You looked at him from the corner of your eye.

"It was one thing when you were just a human we harassed from time to time. Now that we actually consider you a companion adjustments must be made."

"Buzzsaw what the hell-"

"Shush." He raised his wing to jab you in the mouth. "Now is the time for recharge. The others will straighten themselves out on their own."

* * *

 

Supposedly all the mechs you regularly came in contact with were in the same size class, but that was hard to believe. Ratbat could sit on your lap only be on eye level with your chest with you while Ravage would have dwarfed most jungle cats. Any bird the size of Laserbeak or Buzzsaw would probably be flightless. The twins were so big they'd be dying if they were human beings.

This was why Batty fit so well in your home while Frenzy was simply too large for you kitchen.

"Would you scoot over, I need to make dinner."

"Duh, sweetspark, that's what I'm here for."

Frenzy rested his elbows on the counter, thankfully having the foresight not to test the table's weight limit. Unfortunately, he was directly in front of the stove.

"Frenzy." You pressed your lips into a thin line. "Don't take this the wrong way but you have never shown the slightest interest in what I eat. Except to make fun of it."

"That's 'cause it's gross." He stuck his tongue out. "But you have to refuel three times a day so I might as well get used to it."

You were at an impasse. Frenzy was unwilling to leave and give you full access to your kitchen. You were not going to kick him out when it seemed like he was actually trying to behave.

He was no Ratbat, but let it never be said that you weren't able to work in tight situations.

"Well, I'm making pancakes for dinner so I'll need the stove."

"Alright." He held up his hands as if to say 'I'm not causing trouble'. "So what else do you need?"

"Don't you worry about that." You patted his chest as he got out of your way.

He pouted. "C'mon, I want to help."

"Actually, Be a dear and grab the mixing bowl from the top shelf." You instructed him.

Frenzy was better at following orders than expected. He looked a little unsure when handling your utensils, but that seemed to be an issue is breakability. The metal bowl groaned when he accidentally dug into it. He left fingerprints. No great loss. That was why you didn't have him handling the eggs.

There were a lot of reasons to eat breakfast foods in the evening, but the main one was the fact that you were dead tired. Too tired to even get particularly bothered by Frenzy hovering over you.

He was behaving for once. The worst thing he did was pull a face when you explained what milk was. Whatever. He was asking for an explanation on every little minutiae of your meal.

"Is heating part of the refining process?"

"Wait an egg is  _what_?!"

""Why do you have to mix- oh slag!"

In his attempt to peer into the bowl he flew too close to the sun, sticking his hand directly into the batter. He made a noise similar to Ratbat about to sick up food he stole from your plate.

"Hold still." You grabbed his forearm as he thrust it away in disgust. "It's just a little batter; let's get you cleaned up."

"It's nasty is what it is. It's bad enough you organics are always leaking all over the place. Can't even hit one with 'em bursting like a balloon."

You hummed, ushering him to the sink even as you set your bowl to the wayside. "Well then let's get this mess off you before it gets worse."

You cranked up the water as hot as it would go. A dash of dish soap and it came off without even much scrubbing.

"I don't know why I bothered doing this." He groused, spreading his fingers so you could thread yours through them. "I should have just done it my way."

"Done what, sweetie?" You grabbed a dishrag because you knew he'd go through the entire roll of paper towels given the chance.

"Ki-"

"Where are you, you cheating turbo-fox?" Came a shout from your living room.

Rumble stormed down the hall, one hand around Ratbat's neck and the other clutching a blaster. He blotted out the light in the doorway. "Frenzy!"

"What's up, bro?"

"You know what's up!" Rumble shook Ratbat like a rag doll. "We agreed not to drag any of the other's into this and then-"

"Rumble, you let Ratbat go right this instant." You shouted over him.

Apparently noticing you for the first time, he complied. Ratbat dropped to the ground like a sack of bricks. You immediately swept him up protectively.

The little mech whimpered. "Frenzy stuffed me in a tape-case!"

The accused shrugged. "I knew he'd hog you if he was here."

"Yeah, dumbaft, that's kind of the point." Rumble growled. "We agreed to do this fair and square. No lying about each other, no making 'em do it, and-"

"No running off the others just to get 'em alone." Frenzy finished his brother's sentence. "That wasn't what I was doing. Your making it sound like I was hunting her down like a seeker with a glitch-mouse."

"Might as well have been." Rumble sniffed.

"You must admit it does have implications." A low voice huffed.

You looked up from examining Ratbat's throat.

Ravage snuck around Rumble's flank to continue the experiment of just how many Decepticons could fit in your kitchen.

Frenzy stuck his nose up. "You're one to talk, bird-breath."

Ravage sat down in front of you, apparently ready to shield you with his body should the trouble twins start throwing punches. "I at least attempted to move more in line with human courting practices. What was the goal here?"

"The same thing!" He shrieked. "I was trying to have a romantic dinner until you bozos interrupted."

Ratbat took that as his cue to start openly crying again. "He always takes my things."

"Do not!"

"Do so."

Finally you had enough. You grabbed the partially full mixing bowl and slammed it onto the table. The metal reverb shut everyone up.

"What are you talking about."

They all opened their mouths.

"Ravage first."

They all shut them. Ravage opened his again. "The twins are jealous. You've given the rest of us a token of affection but not them."

"A what?"

"A kiss." Rumble sighed, raking his hand down his face. "You gave one to everyone else. Me and Frenz' decided to see who could get you to give them one first. Can't be that hard if you're willing to give one to a loser like Bat-brains."

"Is that why you two have been acting so weird?" Also did he just call you a slut?

They shifted on their heels, squirming under your gaze before nodded in unison. "Yes."

"Oh my god." You closed your eyes and gave Ratbat a life affirming squeeze. Then you set him on the counter.

Frenzy was closer, so you went to him first. He was too startled when you grabbed him by the shoulders to lean down. You hoisted yourself up, standing on tiptoes to kiss him.

Kissing Frenzy was different than kissing one of the mechanimals. He had lips like yours and a body that gave the gesture different connotations. Then again, it seems that everyone had been taking your kisses a different way than you originally meant. C'est la vie.

There was also less give to him. Your mouth molded more to his than it would have to a humans. He was warm and solid as kissing a statue. His hands only came up to your sides as you slid away from him.

"Better?"

He brought his fingers up to his mouth, wiping it like he wasn't sure. "Yeah. Huh. That was something."

"Hey," Rumble whined, "That ain't fair."

"Shush." Was all you bothered with before turning your lips on him.

Where his brother had stayed ramrod, Rumble bent low to let you kiss him. He was, however, just as unsure in touching you, hands hovering at your sides. His lips parted welcomingly to yours.

It might have been the fact that he had more warning, but Rumble was much more open to the kiss. He let you wrap your arms around his neck and tilted his face willingly to avoid a nose collision. This was clearly his first time from how he refused to make a move without you showing how, but he was willing to learn.

Then you felt something tugging at your shirt.

Breaking away you looked down to find Rumble's left arm at some awkward half-transformation between limb and pile-driver. Your shirt caught in his clenching transformation seam.

"Please don't tear my shirt."

He jerked back, letting you free. "Sure, definitely, no problem."

He slurred like he was drunk.

"Bro, it was a mouth, not a valve." Frenzy snickered.

Rumble glared, but it was half-hearted. "Shut your trap."

Ravage gave you a mourning look. "I hope you know they're only going to be more persistent now."

"It could be worse." You were too busy comforting Ratbat to care. 

"How?" Ratbat seemed stumped by the idea of something worse than the twins touching you.

"Well, there could be six aliens trying to romance me without being about to spit out their intentions."

Ravage's ears flattened. "So we owe you an explanation."

"Yes. You do, but first," You regarded the mechs, "Get out of my kitchen so I can cook my dinner."


	10. Track 10

Shocking things can become mundane so quickly.

For instance: Waking up with a large jungle predator sprawled over you like a throw blanket. The first time it happens it seems to spell certain doom. Those glowing red eyes might not have been designed to strike fear into a human heart, but humans have been made to fear it. Seeing it in the early morning when anything like that should have slunk off to sleep the day away was almost worst. It was a nightmare that did not leave on waking. 

By the thirteenth time it started to be old hat.

“Ravage, you’re stepping on Ratbat.”

Ratbat was more than tough enough to take the weight of a paw on the back of his head, but didn’t mean he liked it. His wings were splayed, smacking the bed as he tried to get enough leverage to turn around and hit Ravage. He was squealing. 

You tried to wedge your fingers under Ravage’s paw. You weren’t strong enough to push him off, but he wasn’t willing to crush you.

“If you had a larger berth it would not be an issue.” Ravage settled back on his haunches. You had to spread your legs to make room for him to sit between them. “Buzzsaw has offered to acquire one that has enough space for all of us.”

“And I appreciate it,” You assured him. Ratbat had immediately retreated into your embrace, trying to burrow under your shirt. You patted his back. “But none of us would get any sleep if we were all sharing.”

“It’s been managed before.”

“Maybe we just don’t want to sleep with you!” Ratbat’s eyes were peeking over your collar. His ears twitched on your cheeks.

“Be nice.” You kissed his ear and it instinctually flinched away before pressing back. “Ravage is a good cuddle-buddy when you’re out on missions.”

You could see the glint of his fangs when he grimaced.

Ravage’s tail flicked as you sat in comfortable silence.

Well. There was no point in wasting your whole day off. You tucked an arm under Ratbat to support him while you stood, but he still wrapped his wings tight around your ribs.

“So what are you boys thinking about for breakfast today.”

Ratbat’s eyes brightened. “Oh, can we have pancakes? Or oatmeal? No, wait, eggs and bacon and sausage and-”

He continued until Ravage interrupted him. “I refueled on the way here.”

“Well then you can help Batty get things out while I hit the restroom.” You plunked your passenger onto the mattress.

He was aghast. “I want to come with you!”

You tapped him gently on his heart-shaped nose. “Remember what we’ve been talking about?”

Ratbat’s face twisted in distress. “There are some thing humans like to do privately.”

“Yes, sir.” You blew him a kiss on your way out. “Be right back!”

It’s not that you particularly minded having Ratbat latched on twenty four seven, but even after all this time you had some standards. And that meant using the restroom alone.

When you returned with a fresh face to start the day you found them locked in power struggle at the kitchen table.

“It really would be easier if we just started the energon refining ourselves.” Ravage’s front paws were pulling the table off balance as he leaned up to nose through your mail.

Ratbat was perched on the counter clutching a wooden spoon for dear life. “She doesn't drink energon and we’re not supposed to use the stove when- You’re back!”

“I sure am.” You smiled. Always a warm welcome with that one. “So I was thinking we could go with your first suggestion. How do pancakes sound to you?”

“Yes, yes, yes!” He chirped.

Ravage’s tail dragged across your hip as you got to work.

Cooking with Ratbat was a study in vigilance. You caught him siphoning batter every time you turned around. He’d flinch back into his wings when you noticed him, but then he’d be right back at it.

“You’re given appropriate rations for your model. There is no reason for you to be stealing things you cannot even process.” Ravage was watching the ticking wall-clock like he intended to take out the pendulum sooner rather than later. He only spared Ratbat a glance. “If anything you should be better energized. Frenzy has stopped stealing your meal credits."

“My tanks might be full, but I’m not.” He whined, then whipped around to glare. “You knew about that?”

“And knew it would work itself out. We wouldn’t let you starve.”

Ratbat started chattering at him in rapid-fire alien tongue until your spoon of batter drifted a little too close to his face. He lunged on it to suck in sullen silence. 

“Ratbat is right. Letting Frenzy bully him isn’t okay. We all know Frenzy’s a jerk, but you know better.” You deposited some batter on the sizzling skillet. “And it’s not a big deal if he wants a snack. It’s not like he can give me mono.”

“Despite how you baby him, Ratbat is a fully realized mech. As he always takes pains to remind _us_.” Ravage sighed when you continued to frown. “Rest easy, most of us have been treating him better now that we’ve had you to chide us when we do otherwise.”

You’d hate to see what they were like before. “Well, glad to help.”

Though you might regret it later, you never could tell such a cute face no when Ratbat asked for a taste of your meals. The three of you did enjoy a quiet morning together like this. Ravage and Ratbat, for all their bickering, could get along well enough. They chatted about the latest drama with Decepticon high command. You were rapt at the idea of the robot-warriors who had been stomping all over your planet for the passed decade were just so dumb.

“What do you mean they copied his paint job. Isn’t that your skin?”

“Not quite. It takes quite a deal of effort to change nanite coloration. Natural colors tend to fade back. For instance, the twins.”

“What about them?”

“They routinely traded color-schemes before Soundwave put a stop to it. It was causing quite the hassle with them denying culpability for their pranks. No one could tell who did what.”

The image of them hiding in a bathroom using paint rollers on each other came to mind unneeded.

“So,” Ratbat interjected, “Skywarp convinced the Coneheads to all get Starscream’s colors. He said that he’d be so flattered that he would take them off punishment detail.”

“Did he?”

“Primus, no,” And that was awfully close to a laugh from Ravage. “He powered up his null rays and gave them a klik head start.”

“Well, that was nice of him.” You gathered up your plates. Ratbat struggled when you tried to tug the fork out of his mouth. In the end you let him keep it. You deposited them in the sink.

“You’re here awfully late this cycle.” Ravage butted his head into your hip.

You smiled, scritching under his chin. “Got the day off. I’ve got to babysit later, but maybe we could get some movies and make a night together!”

Ratbat squeaked through his full mouth.

Ravage purred.

“It’s a date!”

Ratbat scampered into your arms. You were aware he was trying to stop you from petting Ravage. Mostly from the amused look Ravage gave you.

“First, however, I really need to do some laundry. Want to keep me company?”

“Yes!”

Ravage yawned. “I suppose.”

After cleaning up the kitchen, and thankfully Ratbat had been sated long enough not to try to drink from the mixing bowl while you rinsed it, you were faced with a dilemma.

“Batty, I can’t carry you and the laundry bag at the same time.”

He pouted. “I can ride on your back. Or fly.”

“Don’t trouble yourself.” Ravage snagged the strings to your overstuffed laundry bag in his mouth. He didn’t need to use it to talk.

“You’re an angel.” You leaned down to kiss between his ears.

His optics flickered slowly.

After the twins made an enormous scene in the hallway a month or so back you given up on keeping this on the down low. Plus, Buzzsaw and Laserbeak had taken to sitting in your window and commenting on people playing soccer in the street.

No one did anything when you walked down the hallway with a ro-bat on your hip and a cyber-cougar slinking behind you. Even the woman in the elevator just looked at you out of the side of her eye and shook her head.

As long as she didn’t call the FBI who cared if she disapproved of you living in sin?

The basement laundry was decorated in hellish orange. It didn’t quite hide water damage on the linoleum from the broken washer in the corner. Some kid had filled it with rocks. 

Still better than going all the way to the laundromat!

Ravage leapt on top of the row of dryers with a noise like a bicycle hitting a trash can. “I’ve done all I can.”

“Clearly.” You snickered. He dragged your clothes all the way here.

Ratbat hung loosely around your neck while you tossed your stuff into the front-loader. It was industrial size so you only did one load. You just had to watch it. There was an underwear thief in this building.

“So, boys,” You mused as you kicked your legs up on the bench beside it, “What’s going on with you?”

They exchanged a look. Ratbat cheeped. “I mean the seekers were the most exciting thing to happen this week, but-”

You patted his back. “Yeah, but I wanted to know what’s new for my favorite Decepticons?”

Ratbat seemed to stall like a broken cash register. “Um, I’m having a nice deca-cycle. I went out patrolling with Dirge and he knows all the old Vosian mourning songs. They sound very nice underwater.”

“Vos, wasn’t that the place where all the planes lived?”

Ratbat sighed. “It was the homestate of all seekers. I was not under that term, technically speaking, but as a flyer it really was a wonderful place. I kept an apartment there along with the ones in Iacon and Kaon.”

“Your wealth truly repulses me.” Ravage sniffed. His voice buzzed with the vibration of the washer.

You glared at him. “Well, how about you then, Mr. Proletari-cat?”

Ravage’s tail flicked. “I did some reconnaissance at the Autobots’ new construction sight. They’re not making much progress with all the human paperwork and protocol. Also I set fire to their filing cabinet.”

“Direct action.” You don’t know exactly what that meant, but it seemed appropriate.

After a while the soft shivering noise of Ravage’s paneling on the washer went quiet, a sign to move things to the dryer.

This time last year you would have been doing this alone with a magazine. Now you were playing moderator in a debate about standards of living on an alien planet. 

Ravage would snip about how Ratbat got where he did on the backs of the mechs he now supposedly considers his teammates. Ratbat would point out that Ravage was prone to territorial conflicts when those so-called allies so much as breathed in his team’s general direction. 

You’d remind them that they’re both technically invaders on Earth. Ratbat would coo that he didn’t choose Earth, don’t blame him, only for Ravage to remind him that none of them decided where to land. Their ship crashed.

Neither of them ended the argument satisfied, but it also didn’t descend into a fight. Which was good. Batty might be able to bite through armor, but Ravage could tear off a car door with his teeth.

“Stop bickering and help me fold.”

And they did.

By the time you got upstairs with your laundry either clutched in hand or muzzle, things were still looking bright. Perhaps the three of you had spent a little too much time talking. Thankfully you were getting pretty good at timing who all is where.

Laserbeak always came over Friday afternoons. He liked to watch his stories on the comfort of your couch. The shows didn’t start until later, but he was the kind to settle in for a while. As you reached your door he was already fussing over the freshly arrived Raf.

“You are in need of a haircut, sparkling. It’s taller than you are.”

Giggling, “It is not!”

“Very nearly.”

“Fella’s, we’re home.” You moved to push the door open, but Ravage slunk in first. His tail snapped behind him.

Raf bounced up to rest his elbows on the back of the couch. “Hey, guys!”

“Hello, Rafael, you’re looking well today.” Ravage came just close enough for Raf to brush his fingertips across the tops of his ears.

“Thank you!” He beamed. “Today at daycamp we went to the pool. Do you have those on your planet?”

“Liquid water was very uncommon on Cybertron.” Ravage shook his head. “We are lucky now that are base of operations is near the beach.”

“Near the-” Laserbeak squawked, “We’re six miles under the ocean!

Rafael didn’t see the issue with that. “Really? That’s so cool. I want to go to the beach!”

“Yeah, Beaky.” You teased, bopping him on the head. “You should take use down to the beach someday. We can invite Raoul.”

“Oh, yes, you could sunbathe on the gun turrets,” Laserbeak sniffed.

You sat on the arm of the couch. “So, Raf, my dear, what are you feeling like doing today? We’ve got puzzles, we’ve got Capri Sun, the world is our oyster.”

Raf pursed his lips in thought. “Well I was kind of hoping to play Mario with Rumble and Frenzy, but they’re not here.”

You frowned. This week was their On Shift for ‘covert operations’ so they didn’t have a ton of free time. “Sorry, I don’t think they’re coming by until late-”

“I have it.” Ratbat piped up.

The three of you snapped down to stare at Ratbat. “You do?”

Ratbat hunched his shoulders. “I stole it from the twins as retribution for dunking me in the hot-oil pool.”

“Well,” You smiled, “Hopefully they won’t mind if we borrow it for an afternoon.”

Cybertronians were full of surprises. Also, pockets, apparently. Apparently that was how someone as big a Ravage could get tiny enough to fit onto a Walkman. While it technically wasn’t the original purpose for such an ability, they could also stow things in a pinch.

That explained how Buzzsaw managed to bring an easy-chair through the window.

Ratbat needed Rafael to show him how to hook the boys' NES up to your T.V. Once that was done they either squatted or sat criss-cross-applesauce, depending on whether they were a mech with stubby limbs or a human child with legs.

Ravage sprawled on the ground over-top of your feet. “You aren’t very good at this, are you, Ratbat?”

“I don’t have any fingers. It’s hard to use the controller.” Ratbat’s armor compressed as he hissed.

Rafael scooted a little bit away from Ratbat’s threat display.

“Play nice.”

Counter to Ratbat trying his best to defeat a small child, Laserbeak and Ravage were the picture of contentment. They’d both made their way to opposite ends of the couch. Beaky had tucked his wings and pulled back his swan-neck. Ravage, meanwhile, draped himself over an armrest, two cushions, and the back of the couch. He was purring at a frequency that that you could feel in your teeth. You all sat like that for a while as Ratbat and Raf worked through various levels. 

“It is astonishing how your species starts out so commendably only to become a scourge upon your planet,” Laserbeak chuffed.

“Hear that, Raf? Beaky thinks your commendable.” 

The little boy twisted around to face you. His video game character died a tragic death. “Thank you, Laserbeak,” He said dutifully, “But what does scourge mean?”

Ravage’s tail twitched in hidden amusement. “It means something causing great trouble or suffering.”

Raf frowned. “But humans aren’t like that.”

“Try not to take it personally; Laserbeak is unhappy because some crack-shot earthling soldier took out his optic last week.”

Raf was still sour. “But my brother isn’t a scourge! And,"  He pointed at you. "You guys like-like her.”

You blinked. “Raf, pointing isn’t nice.”

Laserbeak moved as if he had feathers to ruffle. “Perhaps you are correct. I won’t deny our team wide fondness for certain humans. Though, I do think Mister Raoul leaves something to be desired.”

You feigned a gasp. “I can live with you insulting our entire species, but this is a Pro-Raoul household.”

Ratbat sneered. “Maybe you should put him in time-out.”

Raf nodded furiously. “You should!”

Laserbeak looked at you out of the corner of his optics. You were reminded of the first time you tried to push him around. Your back stilled twinged.

“If you don’t, I will.” Raf got to his feet, one finger pointed declaratively in the air.

The front door squeaked open. “Will what?”

“Raoul!”

For having such short legs, kids were so fast. Raf bounded across the room, small as it was, and threw his arms around Raoul’s waist. “Laserbeak called you a scourge!”

Raoul raised an eyebrow. “At least I’m not an alien invader bent on world domination.”

You stuck your tongue out at Laserbeak. “He’s got you there.”

“Furthermore, unlike all you ‘Con’s I’m not trying to  _ Mars Needs Women _ the first cute human I came across, so I’m definitely the winner here.”

Ratbat was appalled. “We are not!”

Ravage tilted his head. “Except Rumble. I could see that from him.”

“Don’t say that!” Ratbat screeched a s if speaking the words would breathe life into them.

“Anyway.” Raoul cut through the fuss as he took Raf’s hand. “I’m here to pick up the kiddo. Catch you later, girlie.”

Before he was out the door Raoul tipped his head back in your direction. “You wanted me to tell you when the video guy arrived?”

“Yeah.”

“He’s here, but I think he’s leaving soon.”

“Oh, shi-shoot.” You caught yourself before you could cuss in front of an elementary schooler. “Come on, Batty, time’s a’wasting.”

 

The area you lived in was many things, including a minor food desert. Obviously, people found work arounds. One of which was that you could buy a lot of stuff cheap out of a not-entirely-legal business front.

Today the man with the pirated movies had come around. He was also the man with the counterfeit handbags and the man with a encyclopedic knowledge of every dog breeder in town. He sold all these things and more out of the back of his hideous, mustard yellow jeep.

“Afternoon, Dell.” You waved jauntily as you took the stoop-steps two at a time.

“Well, hello, Miss-” The man adjusted his mirrored purple sunglasses when he caught sight of the robotic bat on your hip. “What can I do you for today?”

You swung around to get at the jeep’s trunk, careful not to get too close the car before he nodded. Some guys were very touchy about having their rides touched. “I’m looking to get a couple movies. Is anything good out?”

His teeth were polish-perfect when he grinned. “Is there ever, sweetheart. I’ve heard phenomenal things about  _ Stand By Me _ , but if you’re feeling a little more romantic we’ve got options like  _ Pretty in Pink _ .” He leaned close, but not so much you could feel his breath. “If you ask nicely I could even get a pretty girl like you a slightly-uncut version of this little flick coming out next year called  _ Dirty Dancing _ .”

The streetlight groaned when Laserbeak descended on it. “Do I know you from somewhere?”

Hadn’t he ever heard of subtly? Of course not.

“I just have one of those faces.” Dell’s smile had gone tight.

“And one of those vehicles.”

“Precisely.” 

“Well.” You clapped. “I think all take all those options and maybe a copy of _Terminator_ if you have it!”

The twins were always on you about renting it. You might as well just get a copy.

Ratbat and Laserbeak were giving each other deeply meaningful looks while you tried to will away the people staring openly at your birdfriend.

Dell’s rictus grin disappeared when he ducked into the back of the jeep to pull out a stack of VHS tapes. You gave Ratbat access to your purse. He loved to count bills.

“How much for all this?”

“Let’s say ten dollars flat.” Dell clutched his loot to his chest. “So long as you don’t bring so many Decepticon’s by next time.”

“I’m sorry about them.” You took the cash from Ratbat to pay. “They’re harmless, but they can be really rude sometimes.”

You shot Laserbeak a look. 

The bird tilted it’s head. “Really, Swindle?”

“Look, Laserbeak, we’re all out here trying to enjoy our lives.” Dell handed you the tapes.

“Thank you so much.” You bobbed a little curtsy. It wasn’t so impressive in blue jeans. You did it offhandedly because you were trying to remember if you had introduced your friends.

Just as you turned to walk away a hand made serious contact with your ass. Resounding, loud, _smacking_ contact.

“Hey!”

When you whipped around Dell was making dead-faced eye contact with Laserbeak. “See you next week, sweetcheeks.”

The man climbed into the back of his ride and tore off. Which was weird, given that you hadn’t seen anyone in the drivers seat.

Ratbat would have launched himself out of your arms if you didn’t remind him to watch the burners. “I am going to kill Swindle!”

“Who the hell is Swindle?”

Laserbeak’s wings spread like he was considering going after him. “That was another Decepticon.”

“No it wasn’t.” You argued. “That guy’s been selling stuff around here for years!”

Laserbeak and Ratbat growled together. “That’s Swindle.”

“Oh my god.”

So you went back inside because what else was there to do? You weren’t about to let Laserbeak go cavorting off to murder one of his supposed allies. Ratbat could be corralled through light fussing, but Beaky had taken serious offense.

“Why don’t you fix us a nest while I take a shower.” Your ass was still kind of sore. That guy sure hit like an alien terrorist would.

Batty nosed your chest. “Can I come with you?”

“Sure thing, cutie.” Not like Ratbat didn’t regularly climb into the shower with you.

 

Ratbat hung upside down from the curtain-rod in the shower, wings splayed open and limp. The water hitting his armor sounded like a rainy car ride.

“I still can’t believe Swindle did that! I’m going to report him to his Gestalt leader.”

“For what, playing with humans?” You asked, gesturing with your washcloth for effect. “Isn’t that what you boys are always doing around here.”

Ratbat huffed and the force of it made the shower curtain shudder. “He shouldn’t have- have-”

“Groped me?” You laughed. “Yeah, that was pretty offensive, but there’s no possible way he actually meant it. I mean that’s just absurd. He’s a Decepticon.”

Ratbat’s optics flashed. “So?”

“Well,” You poked his stomach. “Isn’t the official statement on humans similar to Beaky’s personal stance?”

“But that doesn't include you!”

You were struck by the force behind that. “Batty?”

“We all like it here!” Ratbat spoke very fast and even higher than normal. “You’re nice to us and nobody on the Nemesis is nice to anyone! And you make us all nicer too. The other day Rumble and Frenzy got in trouble because they let all the humans evacuate before the demolished the lab they were sent to demolish. And Ravage stopped chewing on peoples tires while they recharge. And Buzzsaw hasn’t made Breakdown cry in deca-cycles!”

“Come here, sweetheart.” You pulled him off the curtain and he came willingly. The warm metal of his wings tried to envelop your bare stomach. “Batty, Batty, Batty. I like having you around. It would be awfully lonely to go back the way it was before I knew you all.”

Ratbat’s face smushed against your chest. “I love you.”

You kissed him on the top of the head.

“Can I stay with you?”

“Of course.”

Sweet as Ratbat was, you couldn’t relax in the shower too terribly long. By the time you were out and slathering on lotion you could hear a cacophony coming from the room over.

You pressed your face to the door. “You better not break anything out there!”

The door swung open, but you caught yourself before you could slip.

Rumble’s frame dominated the doorway, but Frenzy was glowering behind him. “Buzzsaw and Laserbeak are hoggin’ the couch!”

Ratbat’s wings moved to cover your modesty. “Haven’t you half-wits learned to knock?”

Rumble jerked back in surprise, visor flickering like the flash on a camera. “Oh slag.”

The door slammed in your face. However, he was still on the other side. “Buzzsaw and Laserbeak are-”

“I heard, honey.” You sighed. “Why are they saying they’re doing that?”

“They said Frenz’ and I-”

Frenzy cut him off, voice high with offense. “They said we’re too fat and we’d break their nest. We only weigh a ton!”

You were pretty sure that was above the weight limit for the building’s elevator. Had you ever taken them on it? Better not again. “Give me a moment and I’ll tell them to share.”

Ratbat had made a habit of picking out your pajamas for nights in. It clearly made him very happy if you two matched, so you didn’t see a harm in it.

He squirmed out from the towel to latch onto your hip.

“Alright, boys, what’s all the hubbub about?”

Laserbeak and Buzzsaw were getting more elaborate with their home renos. The mattress, stolen from your bed, was pressed on one end against the couch, but the other was hiked up over the top of the coffee table. It formed a little cradle. That wasn’t good for the springs. The sides were buffered with pillows and the couch was draped in quilts.

The thing was, neither Buzzsaw or Laserbeak were actually in the ‘nest’ proper. They were perched on the back and armrest, respectively.

Buzzsaw turned his natural scowl towards you. “If you’re asking about what those idiots are whining about this time, we haven’t gotten it quite finished yet. It’s missing a final touch before it can be used.”

That was unexpected. Normally Buzzsaw just wasn’t up for sharing. “What?”

He shook his head. “Just come over and look.”

You bent over to the armrest. Nothing looked at of place to you, but then you didn’t have the instinct or coding for this sort of thing.

“See, there.” Buzzsaw gestured towards something.

“No, I’m sor-”

You didn’t get to finish apologizing before both the birds snapped forward to catch your sleeves in their beaks and wrenched you forward onto the couch. Ratbat yelped as you twisted to avoid landing on top of him. To say nothing of his little talon-thumbs digging into your hip. You pouted up at them.

“Really, Buzzer?”

He nodded solemnly. “Now the nest is complete.”

“‘Bout time!” Frenzy said as he lifted you by the ankle until only your shoulders were still on the couch. He sat down in the freed up space, then let your legs drop into his lap.

Rumble was just as swift, clambering over the back of the couch to take the other end. He scooped you up in one arm to keep you from getting squished.

Laserbeak took a snap at his head. “You two are loathsome.”

Rumble stuck his tongue out. “I think the word you’re lookin’ for there is handsome, Beaky.”

Ratbat’s bite was harder to dodge. The little mech took a good snip at his finger. “Keep your paws to yourself.”

“Yeah, yeah.”

“If were all comfortable,” Came the drawl from the hallway, “Perhaps we should start the movie?”

Ravage sauntered into the living room with a VHS tape in his mouth. “I took the liberty of selecting first.” 

Ravage didn’t have hands or wings, but that cat knew how to use his mouth. Very gently, he pushed the tape into the VHS player and nosed the television to the correct station. There was a soft crackle of static as it began to play.

Ravage stepped onto the coffee table and over into the divet the birds had made for him. He sighed through his vents.

Music began to play as the opening credits rolled. The title  _ Pretty In Pink _ flashed over a quintessentially crummy suburb.

Frenzy snorted. “What kind of movie did you pick out?”

You patted Ravage between the ears. “You’re such a romantic.”

Ratbat snuggled into your chest and the movie began.

None of your mechs had movie theater etiquette worth the copper wiring they had in their bodies. Despite how immature they could be, Rumble and Frenzy weren’t very sympathetic to teenage problems. According to them, guys like the leading ladies best friends were ‘entitled scum-bots’. Buzzsaw said that the beige suburban landscape looked like it had been bombed out. What Laserbeak said about the WASP love interest’s clothes couldn’t be repeated with a human tongue.

Only when things got amorous did the other cassettes express interest.

“She ain’t an ugly broad by fleshy standards; why would she want to do anything with a wimp like that?” Rumble mock-whispered.

“Because human men don’t come with shoulders you could fit a three course meal on.” You shushed him.

He snickered. “Yeah, can’t understand what you’d ever see in somebody that puny.”

You absently kissed t the corner of his mouth. “Well, you might just be a little too much man for some girls, honey.”

He straightened up and made an odd clicking noise in his throat.

Laserbeak, speaking loudly to drown out the dialogue, disagreed. “I’ve walked in on that oaf in the wash-racks enough times to know that’s no concern for him.”

“You afterburner sucking piece of scrap!” Rumble twisted around to swing at him.

You toppled off his lap onto Ravage’s back.

The cougar raised up on his front legs. His growl cut through everyone else’s exclamations. “If you’re going to fight, go do it in the street where you’re less likely to harm very delicate organics.”

Well scolded, the Decepticon’s sat quietly for nearly three minutes.

“Aren’t you going to come back up?” Frenzy complained, tugging your pants.

Ratbat turned up his snout. “We’re staying down here where we’re less likely to get tossed around.”

“If you don’t mind, Rav.”

In response a paw lifted to make more room for you.

You shifted against the bulk of the killer-cat. Different though it may be, you felt right at home.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Scared Sweetless](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11086377) by [caprigender](https://archiveofourown.org/users/caprigender/pseuds/caprigender)




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